Dissolution, Re-Birth

I don't know the source of your anger
  or the enmity you express toward me.
  I don't know why the epicenter of your bitterness
  seems to be my heart.

It's been so very long since I have touched your heart.
  It feels already like several lifetimes have passed
  since I felt your loving gaze.

For all those years,
  I couldn't understand how what I believed to be
  such a strong bond could be broken.
  Yet, it was.

It broke my heart.

And even after all these years
  of conscious healing and endeavors
  to move forward,
  the mere thought of seeing you again
  set me squarely back on my heels.

As the day drew nearer,
  I felt as a volcano,
  long silent, now waking,
  stirring, the long simmer
  breaking into a broil, a frenzy
  of anger, hurt, disbelief...

So that when, at last, I set eyes
  upon your soul,
  the volcano erupted.

There are behaviors you express toward me
  that are not okay,
  that have never been,
  and will never be,
  okay.

It feels that for the first time,
  I said 'No.  You will not act
  toward me in that way.
  Never again.'

And, the fact is,
  you can't.
  I will not allow it.
  I am not your anger or your hate.

Sitting now with this experience,
  I see some things.

First, I recognize a new strength
  and centeredness in my self.
  I feel, in a way I have never before experienced,
  a love of self, a sense that my worth is defined
  not by your fears or prejudice or anger or even
  your love.

Second, I recognize that something broke in this encounter.
  I felt it in that moment.
  But, it was not what I thought it to be.

What I now understand is
  that which broke
  is the umbilical cord that attached my worth
  to your judgment, the cord that tied us together
  forever in an unhealthy, unmovable, repeating
  cycle of hurt and misunderstanding.

And this explains the sense of lightness,
  the feeling of freedom, of release, of newness.
  It wasn't glee at having 'won an argument' or
  'standing up to the bully' or anything so superficial.
  It was the breaking of an unhealthy and rotting
  cord of attachment between we two.

And in breaking that cord,
  a whole new world of possibilities opened up
  for us.
  We can craft something anew.
  We can find again the love that was once
  so alive and fresh and lifegiving.

We may not take that path.
  We may choose instead to be done
  in this life.

And, I find I am okay with that too.
  For I know that we are forever connected
  one to the other,
  and that we will have other opportunities
  in other lives to explore anew this connection
  and this love.

Regardless of the path we now forge in this life,
  know this -
  Forever and always,
  you are my brother.
  I love you.
  I always have.
  I always will.

I see your pain and your struggles.
  I see your honest heart.
  I see your soul stiving ever toward God.

You are sacred.
  Your life is sacred.
  Your path is sacred.

I love you.
  May you ever walk in God's grace.