The Wise Crone

I am amused by this self.
  53 years and so much seeking, witnessing, learning.
  Yet still, I tread old paths...the ones I KNOW don't work.

And, I set foot upon them at exactly the moment
  when I am asked to reset my direction, alter my true north.
  Is this the human experience, or am I just an incredibly slow learner?

I have a vision of my self as an elder woman, the crone.
  I sit, wrapped in a shawl, upon my rocking chair.
  The chair's voice, creaky as my own, sings
  into the melting day.

I hear a laugh or remember a tear.
  So, I turn my head and glance over my shoulder.
  In the beyond, I see one of the many moments lived.

And, in the witnessing, I am at peace, content, happy.

For I know that, despite the agony or exhilaration of that moment,
  I lived it to the best of my ability...with all that I had...
  in the fullest expression of me.

When I am challenged by life to take another uncertain step,
  I visualize this wise old crone.  She inspires me to search within
  to find the most that I am and to courageously step into the unknown.

My gait is awkward and I get tangled up in my best intentions,
  but I step forward knowing that the wise old crone is smiling and saying,
  'She is doing her best.  And, it's not quite as serious as she thinks it all is!'

Faith

If I were to re-open myself to you, great Spirit,
  what would you say to me?

In my fear, I stepped away - once again - from You.
  I thought to take on my own life,
  not trusting that Your hand moved.

So hard have I been fighting, pushing...
  Again, I find myself, bloodied forehead,
  tears streaking the ink on my paper.

Faith, so very difficult
  at precisely the moment
  I need it most.

The Bugaboo with Gnosis

Funny thing about gnosis...
  You know, but you don't know.

The magic in gnosis is knowing without the learning.
  The challenge lies in dealing with the 'knowing'.

Usually, we learn our way
  into those things we are to know.

The path to our knowing is littered with
  inspiration, failed attempts and
  occasional ephiphanies.

It is the journey on this path that gives us time
  to move through the emotional and psychological
  changes necessary to assimilate the new knowledge.

Skipping this step is what gives rise to the bugaboo with gnosis.
  The, 'Yeah! I don't have to learn my way to this!' elation
  is immediately followed by the disquieting realization that,
  'I have no idea how to live in this?!'

So it goes.
  There is no fast road to wisdom.
  We must walk through life's experiences
  to become one with the lessons it offers.

So, even when we are gifted with gnosis,
  we find ourselves just a few paces ahead
  of where we might have started on our own.

Only now, we live in the strange world of
  simultaneously knowing 'it'
  and having no idea how to live 'it'.

Wisdom Embodied

The awkward walk of a wise soul with a bumbling human.

That's the title of my life,
  the music filling the background
  of the stage on which I play.

That soul is wisdom, grace, and beauty.
  And it selected me, little me,
  to walk with in this life.

I am awkward in my movements,
  fall when attempting to walk,
  subvert my self in my reach to forever,
  seek refuge in worn-out stories,
  prefer the dark to the light...

Yet, my soul remains,
  ever vigilant in its encouragement,
  always watchful of my journey,
  until the end, my companion.

For as deficient as my attempts to live,
  or my understanding of how to be,
  my soul needs me.

The very struggles that bring me to my knees,
  the tears that burn my cheeks,
  the joy that fills my heart...

all these humble attempts to be human
  gift my soul with the lessons it
  embodied to experience.

So, next I see you,
  and when inevitably
  I trip...

Please know that
  somewhere inside this bumbling human
  laughs a magnificent soul!

Gossamer

Gossamer
  This is the substance of the wisdom I seek

Barely perceptible,
  I gaze through it without seeing it

Of substance and yet intangible
  Fading in and out like a boat far offshore

Defying my senses,
  luring me to a dimension
  unbound
  by the material

There is Gnosis

There is gnosis...the knowing that
  emerges from within.

Then there is integration...the journey
  upon which gnosis invites one
  to set foot.

While gnosis is able
  to circumvent one's person
  and emerge without toil,
  integration must necessarily
  include
  one's person.

And therein lies the challenge.

The wisdom that seems so simple,
  so logical, so self-evident,
  dangles as a precious gem
  just outside the
  limited reach of one's person.

Yet, it is not for the pleasure
  of epiphany
  that gnosis is given.

No, it is given as an invitation to
  integrate that wisdom
  into one's daily walk.

'What', we are asked, 'do these words mean?'
  'not in theory, no.'
  'rather, in your life, today, tomorrow...?'

Gnosis is also the harbinger of
  the challenges
  lined up in service of one's learning.

The discomfort, the angst, the frustration,
  the confusion...these are all signs
  that we are face-to-face
  with an invitation to learn
  right now
  what these words
  can, shall,
  mean in our lives.

So, take heart,
  hold fast to the belief
  that gnosis and integration
  are here for you,
  for your soul's growth and healing.

And, step into the unknown...

Every Thought, Every Action

He was there even as I settled into meditation,
  waiting for me.

He held my hands, looked into my eyes,
  quieted my spirit.

The illness tore at my lungs,
  burning and squeezing.

He is a teacher.
  He wants me to learn to heal.

Holding my hand, we reached
  into my lungs,
  searching for the red,
  gathering it into my hand
  and pulling it away.

Sitting, quiet, gentle.
  Crossing the field to material reality,
  he brought my hand to my chest.
  I saw the red energy gather in my hand.

I used my other hand to gently surround
  the red, energetc ball.
  It spit fire and jagged, chaotic lightening,
  trying to escape the bounds of my hands
  and the cool, white energy surrounding it.

But, I held it and peered into the
  molecular dance,
  witnessed the cool energy
  pierce the brittle skin of the red cells,
  watched as the cells turned from red to black
  and grew quiet.

Then, gradually, quietly, the cool energy
  breathed white light into the cells,
  infusing them with rich, life energy
  and transforming black into light.

'This is the lesson,'  he said.
  'Every thought, every action.'
  'Every thought, every action.'

Every Thought, Every Action...Once Again

'Every Thought, Every Action.'
  This was the lesson he offered me.

And, as is so often the case,
  I look back on that revelation,
  wondering what exactly it means.

So, now begins the exploration.
  What, I wonder, did my spirit guide
  mean for me to learn?

He was teaching me to heal myself...
  No..
  Perhaps, he was in fact teaching me
  about healing.

He showed me healing as it occured,
  the dance between cells burdened by sickness
  and those bathed in the energy of pure white light.

I watched as, one by one, the cells engaged in a dance
  of healing.
  Slowly, methodically, the cells of life
  transformed the sick.

Even as the sick fought their own healing,
  they could not help but
  to finally succumb to the light,
  to be transformed,
  to join the tide of healing.

And hence, the lesson.
  'Every Thought, Every Action'

If, indeed, we create reality through
  our deeds, and especially via our thoughts,
  then, each action, each thought,
  can either heal or hurt.

Our choice.

Imagine if we could all learn to
  bear witness to our own actions and thoughts,
  consciously transform them from dark to light,
  each day, each one of us, each moment.

Imagine the world we could create!

There is no doubt about it...
  We are creating this world,
  whether consciously or not.

We are creating it.
   So, the question remains.

What shall we create?

Learning to Walk

Yesterday, during meditation, a new spirit guide came to me.  
He sat directly in front of me and willed me to look into his eyes.  
As I did, I fell more and more deeply until I was floating in the universe, 
  feeling the All.  

He took my hands, and immediately I felt the energy coursing into my palms.
He felt the fear that tries to reside in my heart and suddenly
 the White Wolf was sitting directly behind me, 
 using his strength to hold me up.  

Then, the new spirit guide held a coat of white wolf fur which he laid across my back,
  warming me and instilling peacefulness where there had been fear.

I asked for healing and direction.  
He waved his hands over my body, covering it in an energetic blanket.
I started to control my breathing, but he told me to just relax and allow the healing.

He then moved my breath through me.  
As it came out, he collected it in his hands.  
It was red, but as he held it, it changed to white and then dispersed into the air.  
As I breathed in, he supplemented my breath with his own
  and I felt white, cleansing energy rush through my body.  

After a bit, he reached in to my lungs and held them.  
I could feel as he searched and then found the illness.  
He pulled it out - again it was red
  and again, he cleansed it and it dispersed into the air.  
This he did several times with my lungs, and then with my sinuses.

I was sitting quietly when I realized I felt no pain in my body, 
  and I had been sitting quietly for some time.

I don't know my direction yet.  
My work, I believe, is to continue to cleanse and clear, 
  to re-establish a healthy lifestyle, 
  to reach out to whatever opportunities appear
  and to listen carefully for the voice of God inside me.  

I put a series of three pics on facebook a couple weeks back, 
  representing the past, the future and the now.  
The third picture is of a  monk in red robes, walking.  
That picture is very powerful to me.  
For some years, I have been seeing myself (in journeys) as that monk. 

I realize this morning that
I don't know the path.  
But, I believe I am learning how to walk.

Mistaking the Veneer for the Real

4 July 2011

Peace is not something you feign.
  It simply reflects on your countenance
  because it is inside you.

This helps to explain the times I have endeavored
  to exude a wise countenance
  and failed.

I was donning the garments,
  not accessing wisdom.

It is said, 'You have to fake it till you make it.'
  I have learned that the danger with this strategy
  is that you can confuse these initial efforts
  with the real thing,
  and become focused on outward appearance rather
  than on real wisdom.

So seems to be the challenge with all our efforts
  to move toward God.
  No matter the ritual or practice or belief...

We mistake the veneer for the real.