Working on the book, day and night.
Driven to finish as there is more waiting to be birthed.
But, Spirit holds the words, directing me now to stay focused,
to bring this book to life.

Thank you for your patience!

Gratitude and Uncertainty

Sometimes, I yearn for the faith of my father.
  Through so much, he came.
  And, his faith never faltered.
  His gaze always held steady on his vision.

Recieving a series of messages of late,
  one to 'get out of my way';
  another that it is time to open my throat chakra;
  another to rest and care for my body;
  another to stay actively engaged in life
  even as I await my next call.

Yesterday, I had a flash of what it means to
  'get out of my way'.
  I was listening to the chatter in my head and
  witnessed as I lost my way, as the logic
  morphed into confusion,
  as the fragile confidence melted
  into self doubt, with self flagellation
  not far behind.

That's when I understood
  ways in which I stand in my own way.
  Gifting those thoughts and fears
  with my time and energy and heart
  robs me of the ability to live fully,
  clouds my eagle vision and closes my heart.

Opening my throat chakra is vitally important now.
  I remember when it was clear and strong and confident.
  I remember that I was articulate.
  And, I remember when I lost my voice.

Now, I stand, book in hand,
  and fear that it is not worthy of publication,
  feel overwhelmed with the publication process,
  and find my self stepping back from the call.

These traumas we experience in life
  do impact us in many, many ways.
  And, it seems that sometimes it takes
  years to heal the many layers of the grief.

What is amazing to me is that Spirit will
  guide us and hold us through that healing process.
  We will know when it is time to recognize that pain
  and to let it go.

The last lesson reaches to the core of my being...
  the desire, the will, the longing
  to make contributions, to give back to life.
  I so often equate that with vocational pursuits,
  and when I feel hindered in making those contributions
  I struggle.

So, Spirit sent me two reminders yesterday.
  I learned that one specific contribution I made
  has had broad and significant impact.
  As I wandered through the network into which my contribution
  was a part, I was overcome with gratitude and amazement.

The funny thing about the experience is that,
  I remember looking into the mirror of the hotel room
  and debating whether I would attend a meeting,
  because I felt I had nothing to offer.
  It was at that meeting that the journey began.

Then, Spirit gifted me with a vision about a friend.
  I shared it with him and witnessed the healing
  of which that vision was a part.
  'Stay engaged in life.  Don't just wait,' encourages Spirit.

So, enriched by these gifts of Spirit,
  and a heart once again filled with gratitude,
  I refocus my gaze from the old stories of failure and inability
  to the new and as yet untold possibilities
  gifted each moment from Spirit.

And, I take another step forward.

namaste to you all!
putting all my energy into the book now
none left for writing
though I feel the pressure growing within to let loose the words
I'll be back
writing is like breathing for me
and I can only hold my breath for so long!

YOU Were There

Today, I woke up
  and YOU were there.

Always there.

Holding, loving, watching...

God

The Spirit that breathes
  and life forms.

The ONE that thinks
  and creation begins.

The ALL that IS.

Today, I woke up
  and YOU were there.

The Book was Born!

Two years ago, I felt the calling to write a book.
  The very idea caused me to shirk into the dark space
  of 'I can't!  I'm not good enough!  Not me!'

This Friday, I heard the call again.
  Only this time, it was to publish the book
  I've already written.

Three days later, I have compiled
  the poems of these last three years
  and find that, indeed, I have a book!

I will not fall into the waiting jaws of 'I can't'.
  Rather, I am clear that I can,
  and I will.

Namaste!

Spirit - My Teacher

Yesterday, I spent some time reading about Chakras
  as part of my search to understand my experience
  with Kundalini rising.

I read a section on cleansing and vitalizing the Chakras
  and moving the Kundalini energy.
  I had particular problems with moving the Kundalini energy
  leading to much pain and emotional trauma.

As I read, I noted the various chakras on my seven bodies that
  have felt out-of-balance in the past.
  One in particular caught my attention.
  It is the seat of the most profound trauma
    I have experienced in this lifetime.
  It is the epi-center of probably the most significant
    lesson I incarnated to learn.

I remembered that during the Kundalini rising,
  the energy always got stuck on that chakra,
  was not able to rise above that point.
  So, it broiled and burned,
    creating emotional turmoil and severe physical pain.

Before dawn, I awoke with the realization that I
  need to cleanse that Chakra,
  to open it so that I can move forward in life
  and allow the Kundalini to flow.

So, I followed that cleansing practice.
  I could feel the energy moving,
    felt it coming out of my body into my hand.
  I directed it outward and upward,
    and watched as a dark sludge built up
    on my aura.
  But, there was something stuck just below my skin.
  I could not get it out.

I remember thinking that I needed to cleanse my aura
  of the sludge, but fell asleep.

A few hours later, I awoke with a migraine,
  remembered I hadn't cleansed the sludge from my aura,
  and realized I had forgotten to burn it from my chakra.

And, I had an epiphany.
  In the material world, I am looking for work.
  These last months, I have written multiple cover letters
    describing in detail my qualifications for
    various jobs.

First, I realized that, on a spiritual level,
  I drew this situation to me
  to play, over and again, a cycle
    finely tuned to the storyline I have created
    for myself regarding my life trauma/lesson.

Namely, the cover letters describing my qualifications
  aren't really for the unknown readers to whom I send them.
  They are for me,
    to convince me that I am worthy.

And, I keep playing the story over and again
  because I don't really believe
  that which I am expending all my effort
  to convince myself of.

And, the second realization...
  I am spending all my time and energy
  endeavoring to convince myself of my worth,
  and none on manifesting the reality into which I want to move!!!

smiling

Something inside me switched with that realization.
  I focused on manifesting the reality I want to create.
  As I fell back to sleep, I was visualizing being
  happy and fulfilled in my career and life...

I was awoken sometime later by a phone call.
  It was a professor from a university to which I had applied.
  He asked me for an interview.

Security...the Opening Round

So, what is this thing security anway?

I think...

  health care for if I get hurt.

  retirement for when I can no longer care for myself.

  food and shelter...and water.

  Those things, I believe, will make me secure...

  make me feel as if I am secure.

But, what if I get in a car wreck and die?

  What good did the health care do?

What if there is a run on the banks and my retirement is lost?

What if there is a storm, or a fire, or a robbery and my home is destroyed?

What if there is a world-wide warming in the weather that lays barren the land?

What if a nuclear power plant develops a leak which seeps into the ocean
  and is swept by the currents to the shores from which I gather my water?

How much security is enough?

How much is needed to feel safe?

Have you ever read the numbers provided by the insurance agent?  

How many million dollars do you need to feel safe in your old age?

Can you ever even get that?

And, what will you give up to get it?

It seems a bottomless whirlpool,

  a vortex of fear, buy, fear, buy,

  run, run, run, run

  but never, 

  never,

  never really

  true security.

The logic goes nowhere, ends nowhere,

  feeds only my fear,

  means,

  in the end,

  nothing.

So, what is this thing security, anyway?

Security...the Gift of Spirit

This walk through life,
  for me,
  is a practice.

It seems, no sooner than I
  receive a new lesson upon which to contemplate,
  another is presented.

And, I realize that I
  haven't yet integrated the last lesson
  into my daily walk.

Smiling

This morning, I awoke to the message,
  'Don't judge.
  Just allow and witness.'

Immediately, I found myself judging my self,
  and I felt the harsh lash upon my body and heart.
  I started to judge myself for judging myself
  and then remembered...

'Allow, witness.'

Smiling

As I allowed and witnessed,
  the judger in me quieted
  and my spirit was brought back into balance,
  all through nondoing.

Then, I sat to meditate,
  wanting to learn more from Spirit
  about this thing, security.

In the quiet, my iPod beeped,
  indicating a new message.
  As I witnessed my curiousity
  and restrained the compulsion to jump up,
  I heard the lesson presented to me several weeks back,
  'Spiritualize the material.'

How, I wondered, can I spiritualize
  my walk through this day?
  How might I make sacred even the
  response to a message on an ipod?

smiling

Then, quiet.
  And a question from Spirit,
  'How do you feel?'
  My response, 'peaceful, serene, safe.'
  And the realization that I felt secure.
  Then, I was asked, 'What is different from yesterday?'

Immediately, I knew the answer.
  'Only me.
  My life circumstances have not changed since yesterday.  
  Only I have changed.'

'How', you ask, 'have I changed?'

The answer?
  Yesterday, my heart was closed to Spirit,
  and I experienced the illusion
  of being disconnected from the ALL.
  In that illusion, I felt alone and fearful
  for the safety of my being.

This morning, my heart is open to Spirit,
  and I see, experience, remember,
  once again,
  that this walk is a Spiritual walk.

Everthing that happens in this life is an
  expression of Spirit and an invitation
  to witness, learn, experience, create and
  walk in Spirit.

Even in the experience of those things I most fear,
  homelessness, financial devastation, illness...
  I will always find security,
  peace, serenity, safety,
  in Spirit.

And, Spirit will always
  be inside me.

In the everchanging flow of life,
  only that will never change.

Look About You

I saw myself as an image on two cards.

On the one, I stood amidst a profusion of
  colors dancing and sparkling.
  I heard, 'Realization'.

On the other, I floated in the depths of space,
  surrounded by the warmth of dark and the ALL.
  I heard, 'Transform'.

I sense there is something new and different
  waiting.

I'm witnessing my self dance with this invitation.
  Resistence, attachment to a certain sense of self,
  fearing the loss of that identity, fearing the loss of
  sustenance.

Yet, the message keeps coming
  from different sources, in different places,
  in various ways,
  and always from the ONE...

'Look about you.'

Last night, in a flash,
  I was gifted with eagle sight,
  and I saw the riches that surround me,
  that have always surrounded me...

Gratitude settled into my heart
  with such power that my vision became clouded,
  spoken words faded into a mist,
  and I felt, in an instant,
  the wisdom of the universe.

So, perhaps it is time to
  let go
  once again
  and step
  into the flow..

So Much More

The tears well,
  my heart pounds.

I don't know why...

Sitting with it,
  feeling it,
  watching as the
  tears rise and subside,
  listening to the soft clatter
  of my fingers upon the keys,
  anticipating, wondering...

Gratitude.

My father,
  the quiet and powerful sage
  said, 'I am so grateful!'

I, in my youthful arrogance,
  understood not
  his profound thankfulness
  for that which was a
  typical part of our lives...
  food, water, shelter, family.

To that point,
  I had never experienced need or loss...
  I had never been asked to say 'goodbye'.

So many moons have risen since then.
  And with those moons, life has come to me
  in all its shapes and forms, including the
  request and requirement
  that I say 'goodbye'.

I understand gratefulness.
  I feel it in the depths of my soul.
  It feels as the most profound prayer,
  the most intimite connection with God.

I am grateful for my wise and patient father,
  for the lessons that life has brought to me,
  for the gentle persistence of the spirits in teaching
  me the lessons I came here to learn,
  and for so much more...

so much more...

I AM El

'I AM El.

Release your voice,
  there is a song waiting to be sung.

Lift up your head,
  there is a gift waiting to be shared.

Raise your hands,
  there is love you are to receive.

Close your eyes and see.
  Cover your ears and hear.
  
I AM here.
  I AM inspiration awaiting birth.
  I AM love bursting from your heart.
  I AM 

I will show you a way through the storm.
  I will be a light in the darkness.
  I will hold you when the earth falls 
   from under your feet.
  I AM

Witness now
  the vast changes through which
  your mother Gia will grow.

Recognize that the shifting of Gia
  is the shifting of you,
  of all.

All will be changed,
  transformed.

New life will emerge,
  nourished by the dream
  standing firmly in the hope
  waiting patiently no more.

It is upon you.
  Step forward
  now
  with me
  
into the future unfolding.'