Letting Go...With Grace

Spirit is walking me through an intensive
  on a very particular lesson, namely, how
  to gracefully let go of things not meant for me.

Opportunities for me to explore, practice and learn
  from this lesson have been manifold in my life of late,
  so much so that I feel like an undersized boxer in the ring
  with a leviathan who takes delight in using me as a bouncing ball.

I've moved diligently through my classic
  stages of response to this recent bout with Spirit, from

'OK, we're working this together,' to
  'Ummm, what am I missing?' to
  'OK, I'll push harder,' to
  'What is going on here?' to
  'OK, I'll try a new approach, a different perspective, a creative idea, any idea...' to
  'It's getting scary down here!' to
  'Damn you spirit!  I am gonna do this on my own!' to
  'I can't believe this is happening?!  ...and, I'm still pissed!' to
  'How far will this go?  OMG!  Is that the bottom approaching?'

And, Spirit doesn't let up.
  I like to think that Spirit keeps up the pressure
  because I can handle it, I'm up for this lesson, I won't crack.

But then, I did crack.
  For days, I couldn't get through a sentence
  without dissolving into tears.  The insults to my ego
  rushed in without pause, layering one upon the other
  so that, blood rushing into my eyes and head spinning,
  it was all I could do to simply stand.

And, through it all, these words resonated
  like cosmic background noise...
  'It matters how gracefully
  you let go of things
  not meant for you.'

So, with each hope thwarted, I endeavored
  to the best of my wavering ability to recognize
  and accept that 'it' wasn't meant for me,
  and then to let go of 'it'.

There are so many levels to this lesson...
  Recognizing when something really isn't meant for you..
  Accepting that it was not meant for you, just accepting.
  Staying close to the truth and not creating false storylines.
  Letting go of it...really, in all ways.
  Facing forward, free from attachments to it.

But, what if the 'its' that aren't for you pile up
  into a mountain over which you can no longer see?
  What if the pile of 'not meant for you's becomes so
  enormous that you are forced to ask an even deeper question?

But, let me put this into real terms before
  I dissolve into the abstractness of my own thoughts.

The real-life exemplar is me trying to find work.
  The 'it's are each of the many jobs for which I have applied
  this last year.  The 'not meant for you's are the rejection letters.

The mountains are, first, the pure volume of rejected applications.
  And secondly, they are the mounds of rejections from every sector,
  every level of every position, even from applications to volunteer.
  And, by the way, how does one get rejected as a volunteer?!

It has been nothing short of a complete 'shut out'.
  Isn't that what they call it in sports?  'No contest.'  'Out.'
  I should be careful with sports analogies.
  You get the point, though, right?

So, getting back to the 'being forced to ask a deeper question' thought..
  Perhaps the lesson surpasses that of letting go of individual incidents.
  Facing a total 'shut out', I wonder if I am missing a cardinal principle.
  So, I try to re-visualize the panoptic theme of this life-lesson...

  What, really, am I being asked to let go?

Perhaps, I'm not supposed to make a living with my doctorate.
  Perhaps, I'm supposed to work a noncareer job so that I can write.
  Perhaps, my skills aren't those desired in the marketplace.  That's a no-brainer.
  Perhaps, I'm not supposed to offer my working life to address humanitarian needs.
  Perhaps, I'm just supposed to be happy and it doesn't matter what I do for work.
  Perhaps, I'm supposed to experience homelessness and poverty and write about it.

And, then my understanding of the basic question evolves...
  What does it mean to 'let go'?
  How do I know if I really 'let go'?
  What does 'letting go' look like?
  How am I different when I've been successful at 'letting go'?

And in the middle of all this, Spirit ups-the-ante.
  Without warning, I meet a soulmate, on this plane?!
  And even as I become aware of this most incredible fact,
  I am reminded...

being soulmates does not mean
  that you will walk together in this life.
  And, if you do share some part of this journey,
  it doesn't dictate the particular path you will walk.

The soul is bound to the flesh,
  so our paths are created by our steps.
  Intentions we set prior to this incarnation
  are not predestined to manifest in a particular way.
  They are, quite simply, the pebble cast in the pond.

The outcome of our meeting is dependent,
  not on the hopes of our immortal selves,
  but on the decisions we make here, now.

So, I meet a soul mate and quickly learn
  that she does not feel the connection as do I,
  and that she desires, rather, to turn inward
  and be with those dear ones already in her life.

And, I am asked once again to accept that walking with
  this soulmate is 'not meant for me.'  I'm asked to 'let go'.
  And, putting the proverbial 'icing on the cake',
  I am asked to 'let go with grace'.

Up to now, assimilating the 'letting go' lesson has been difficult.
  But this particular iteration of learning has come with a surprising twist.
  It has been incredibly powerful, awesome, inspiring and uplifting.

Something clicked as I watched this soulmate walking away.
  It was a deep understanding that some things,
  some people, really aren't meant for me.
  Trying to forcefit them destroys beauty,
  creates harm, and never ever works.

Letting go, on the other hand,
  allows you to recognize and relish
  the gifts that really are offered in that moment.

The exquisite gift of meeting a soulmate in this life IS for me.
  Feeling the profound and ageless love for a soulmate IS for me.
  Knowing that she is out there and being able to bless her walk IS for me.

And then there's the grace in letting go.
  That's a whole other aspect of the lesson
  Spirit is asking me to absorb into my being.

And then there is transforming the letting go into a act of grace.
  To act with an elegance, a gentleness, a compassionate heart,
  and a 'go with God' frame of mind.
  One is asked to love even as one accepts what is not meant to be.

So, I still have no job or income.
  And, the soulmate I only just met is not here.
  But, I believe I am starting to get this lesson.
  And for that, I am eternally grateful.

Step in When I Fall

Of my many fallibilities,
  I doubt, in the end,
  I'll be faulted for not trying hard enough.

The dents and bruises on my head
  attest to the persistent and sometimes
  bullheaded endeavors to 'get it right' or
  'make my life work'.

And for one who endeavors so hard
  to 'blaze the trail', 'find my way',
  'be a responsible co-creator'...

to hear the words, 'You are trying too hard.'
  is tantamount to saying, 'Don't be you.'

Coughing, sputtering, building the line of defense...
  spitting it out...'But, it is my responsibility!'
  'I'm supposed to care for myself.'
  'I can find my way!'
  'I will do it!'

Caught in the whirlwind of my own making,
  I, the whirling dervish, spin and push and spin faster.
  Bleeding, I wipe the blood from my eyes
  and push harder with deeper commitment...

until, inevitably, I crash.
  For one can hold that energy for only so long.

And then, I find my self in the oh-so-familiar-place
  of a substance less all its vital organs and structures,
  amoebic, heaped into a mass of misdirected intention.

And finally, I say, 'OK, I give.  Perhaps, it is not for me to decide.'
  'Perhaps, I need to hand it over, to release, to let go, to allow.'

And, I hope that spirit will take that invite quickly,
  for I am practiced at getting up from that place
  and pushing forward when I need to lie still.

Catch me, Spirit.
  Show me what I can not see.

Open, Hold on to Nothing

'Open up, hold on to nothing.'

'Nothing?'

'Nothing.'

'My security, my home?'

'Nothing'

'My hopes?'

'Nothing'

'My fears, my humiliation?'

'Let go'

'My joy?'

'Let go'

'My...?'

'Let loose, all of it'

'Me?  Let go of me?'

'Let go'

'Let go of me?'

'Let go'

...

'Open, stay open'

Freed of all material artifacts
  left only with the body holding the soul
  my chest opening
  letting go my soul
  a light shining forth

The light shines through the universe
  envelopes the dark

Reaches out to touch
  watches

Reaches out to touch again
  watches

Reaches in all directions
  touching
  watching

And then one touch
  kindles a light
  shining brightly
  inviting, dancing, rejoicing
  at the match found
  the dance begun
  the mystery opening

'No need to struggle.
  Don't hold on.
  Holding on, you forget
  to reach out and touch,
  you don't see a light
  shining back at you,
  you miss when another
  touches you and your own light
  bursts forth, rejoicing at the connection'

'Open, let go, touch, watch
  let go, let be'

Are You Ready? I am Waiting.

OK, I have a confession.
  I have been really pissed of late.
  I got so pissed that I shut out Spirit.

I put on my worn and tattered coat-of-armor.
  This coat-of-armor is so much a part of me
   that it has its own name,

'I will get myself through this...damn it!'

Funny I didn't feel the breeze
  through the many holes and tears
  in that age-old and thrice mended coat.

I know that it really isn't a coat-of-armor.
  It is me hiding, pushing out my chest,
  believing that I am alone in all 'this'
  and it is up to me alone to get
  myself through 'it'.

The purpose, still, feels so right.
  'How,' I wonder, 'can wanting a job
  be a bad thing?  Is it strange to want work
  that pays a living wage and medical coverage?'

Yet, all my efforts and education and experience
  bear no fruit.  And, I awaken one day to see
  that I am rummaging through totes that
  I already emptied, all to no avail.

And now, my friends, I will share
  the truth of why I haven't been writing.

I have been ashamed to admit that I am
  in this place, once again, after witnessing the
  wisdom that Spirit channels through my fingers.

I guess I hold hope that these gifts of Spirit
  would soak through my coat-of-armor
  and change forever my fallibilities.

But, I remind myself...it is a process,
  yes, a journey.  And I am on the path.

The gifts of Spirit are still here, available
  for me when I am ready to receive them.

So, Spirit asks once again and forever,
  'Are you ready?  I am waiting.'

Called Inside, Once Again

'You're looking in the wrong tote,' she said.
  Tears alight in her blue eyes,
  'You have worked so hard going through those totes.'

I know.

My fingers are sore from the search.
  I have gone through each tote,
  dug so deep into each one,
  and now realize that
  I'm going through them again.

Did I, at some point,
  put everything back into them
  without even realizing it?

The growing awareness of
  'I've been here.  I've seen this.'
  But, nevertheless, drawing forth
  that which already has proven fruitless,
  painting on it a new facade,
  and sending it out to the world
  hoping,
  always hoping,
  it will bring home
  a different response.

Tired,
  No, exhausted,
  from the search.

'It's in the blue tote.'
  'You put it in the blue tote
  and forgot about it,' she says.

Blue tote?
  What the hell is the blue tote?
  Where is it?
  I have been searching,
  sometimes frantically,
  through all my totes!

I have pulled out and examined
  absolutely every skill and piece of knowledge
  I could remembr,
  every kind of work I've done,
  every strategy I've ever devised...

Yet, somehow I missed this blue tote.

What is it, this blue tote?
  And what treasure does it hide from me?

'Are you ready to see it now?' gentle, loving eyes implore.
  'Can you close the other totes?
  'Are you willing, finally, to let go the search?'

Total Abandon and Detachment

'Spread your wings'
  'Reclaim your voice'
  'Explore, imagine, find possibilities'
  'Watch, learn'
  'Withhold judgment'

My recent experience in experimenting with Spirit's invitation
  brought me to my knees in pain.

But, Spirit still invites me forth,
  reminding me that I have only started the journey
  to gather this wisdom into my heart and soul.

So, blessed with healing from the Spirit of the ocean
  and the joy of dancing in the waves with my drum,
  I set again on this path, using my job search to learn
  more deeply the lessons offered by Spirit.

I believe there is something important to learn about detachment,
  and, in the merging of detachment with total abandon.
  At first glance, a perfect example of an oxymoron.
  But, I believe the seemingly impossible is often not that,
  but our inability to see beyond our self-imposed limitations.

So, I am sitting with this seed of an idea today...
  Total abandon merged with detachment.

Awaken into the Now

2 December 2011

Disappointment,
  child of expectation.

Expectation,
  veil upon our eyes,
  clouding our vision
  of now.

The Now

Awaken to the Now...

The glory is in this moment;
  this moment,
  the only you can ever live.

Shed expectation,
  like leaves, complete in their lives,
  gracefully,

Letting go

Letting fly

Letting live
  the Now.