We are Human, After All

I became aware some time back
  that being human is a
  contradiction of terms.

We hold within these earthly bodies,
  light and dark,
  peace and malcontent,
  hope and fear...

Always, we step forward
  embodying extreme opposites,
  balancing seemingly impossible juxtapositions.

In our pursuit of the light,
  shall we deny the dark?
  Shall we pretend that it doesn't
  exist side-by-side with our light?

I worry always that we shun that
  which doesn't fit our image of
  who we are supposed to be,
  that we pretend the questions,
  the fears, the doubts, the ...
  don't exist.

For, in so doing, we deny
  our humanity.

Perhaps, we are angels in human form.
  Perhaps, we are old souls.

We can be all that

AND

we are human,
  at the same time.

And being human isn't all that easy!

Sometimes, it hurts so bad,
  you want to scream bloody hell!

Sometimes, you feel so angry,
  you could rip the head off a lion.

Sometimes, you are so frightened,
  the rock under which you hide
  is the only place you feel safe.

Sometimes, the goodwill morphs into
  envy, or dislike or even hate.

We are in human form.
  I sincerely believe that part of
  our evolution

  is to come to terms with that simple fact.

Dare we love the dark in our selves?
Dare we admit our failings, our misperceptions,
  our misgivings, our doubts?

Dare we allow the other the same?

Can we love our selves
  and the other
  in our raw, imperfect, tarnished form?

I Never Claimed the Virtue of Patience

15 September 2010

I want to understand why I resist the spiritual…

why I doubt its realness,

why I think I am imagining all this,

why I am worried that I am suffering delusions,

why I push it away…

when it really is

all I am.

Not a day passes anymore that I am not living in prayer.  

It’s like a constant part of my being – it surrounds me, is me.

Yet, I don’t believe it to be real,

don’t trust it,

don’t feel that I have any special gifts or even a calling,

but that I just want it so badly and for so long

that I’ve imagined it into being.

Though I continue each day on this journey,

inside I hold back.  

And, I want to know

‘Where am I going?’

‘What am I doing?’

‘What is going on here???’

I know only that I need to shed material things quickly

and that I need to focus inward

to heal and grow and learn and cleanse.  

And, I know I’ll be told when it is time.  

But the time is upon me – it is here.  

And I don’t have any idea what is being asked of me.

I am asking my spirit guides to tell me something, anything.  

What I keep seeing is this image…

On my left, tall bluffs with sheer cliffs descending into a deep valley bordered on the other side by huge rolling hills, softly blanketed in trees – all green.  And directly in front of me a large bolder with the White Wolf encouraging me to descend into the valley.  Just now, the wolf transformed into an eagle upon whose back I climbed.  We soared high above the valley.  I saw all the people again and then the intense white/yellow light.  In the center of the light – from above – I could see a hole.  I saw Christ in the center – emitting the light.  I was lowered into the center.  And then I moved through the light into the valley…and I was ready to do what I’m being asked to do.

By entering the light and moving through it, I became/was made ready.

It is time.  Every cell of my being can feel it, anticipates it, prepares for it, wants to know…

What is ‘it’?!!

The Devout Doubter

16 October 2010

I feel the roar of that lion inside me again;

the pure, unfettered power that can shake the corners of the earth.

Yet, I know not what that is.

I dared, finally, the other day

to let myself roar in the privacy of my home.

It was merely the roar of a 50-year-old woman,

but there is something else there as well.

What is it?

My entire body is tingling,

energy rushes through/around/into my head,

my hands buzz.

I am equally

belief and doubt;

fully committed to this – whatever it is,

and thinking that I am falling into a grand delusion.

That is my fear...that I am delusional.

If it is possible to believe 110% and still question,

that describes me.

Call, Decline, Call, hmmm

20 September 2010

I’m supposed to write a book, I don’t know about what.

All I really know is my own life, and I’m not even sure I understand that.

The Victorious 'Whys'

15 September 2010

I often ponder why I was given such an inquisitive, determined mind

  if not to solve all the universe’s mysteries.

In fact, as life has presented me with the unknowable,

  like clockwork, I have vested my entire being in gaining an understanding of

  ‘what just happened to me, and why?’

More often than not,

  I have limped away from these fruitless self-encounters,

  head bleeding, ego beaten down and the question, ‘why?’

  still large, bold and unanswered,

  daring me to yet another round.

It’s only around year 50 that I finally figure out that

  there are no answers readily available to the ‘whys’.  

  And, the more devastating the situation,

  the further away I feel from the ‘truth’ regarding ‘why’.

So, I now try to step back,

  preferring to avoid the head banging and instead,

  tread the new, but promising path of

‘It’s okay.  I don’t need to know why.  Rather, what gift is being offered me and what can I learn?’  

It’s a different tack,

  a new approach to the unknowable,

  perhaps one with a bit gentler process and

  more fruitful outcomes.

Who among you has found the answers to the ‘whys’ – when they really matter?  

  Not many, I would venture.  

  Perhaps it is worth experimenting with a new approach.

Being Human

Laughing in spite of my self
  and reminded that I am,
  for this spirit walk,
  very human!

I seek wisdom,
  search for deep understanding,
  endeavor to live by higher precepts...

But always,
  I face my own countenance
  when I gaze into a mirror.

The most recent manifestation
  of this propensity to be human?

Faced with the uncertainty of
  a future unknown,
  I felt it necessary
  to sit in quiet
  to reflect and to
  not
  rush to plans.

I was successful in that
  endeavor for
  almost a day!

Since then, I have planned
  two trips and the next 3 months
  of my life.

ah well...
  so much for sitting with the unknown!

There is, in this so real example
  of my humanity,
  at least one important lesson
  for me.

That is,
  in seeking wisdom
  and striving to mature
  into that wisdom,
  there is:

  the need for
  acceptance of who
  and where I am right now;

  the need for a gentle humor
  regarding my own falllibilities;

  the need for compassion
  in the process and struggle
  of learning;  and

  the need for self love.

So, now that I sit in the
  contrived comfort of
  extending the unknown
  a little further into the future,

I will endeavor once more
  to sit quietly
  and listen for the
  call of Spirit.

My Precious, Misguided Mind

3 December 2011

I keep hearing the voice
  calling me into silence,
  to hear, to write.

More separation from materialism,
  more closeness to simplicity;
  letting go, opening up.

Asceticism

I have not yet rejoiced in the freedom
  I have crafted for myself.

Bound by self prescribed rules of vocation and success,
  I look ever forward to what I'm 'supposed to be'
  neglecting that which I am,
  forging 'shoulds' where 'coulds' want to emerge.

Where is that freedom?

Who is its jailer?

I know - my mind - I know.

Such a dear, exquisite, simple child,
  arrogant in its feats, ignorant of its limits,
  ever the first to step boldly forward,
  always the first to fall,
  and the last to recognize its own folly.

I do love it, this precious, if oft misguided, mind!

Finding Quiet

23 October 2011

Endeavoring to keep a day of reflection and silence,
  quiet in action,
  listening for the voice inside.

Interrupted by all manner of
  planning, thinking,
  emotions from the void of the unresolved,
  sudden urges 'to do'...

Just now 8am.