7 October 2010
I have a lot of fear right now.
I'm trying to release it
and not allow it to expand.
But, it is sneaky.
It shows up in my dreams,
in an irritated mood,
in physical manifestations of anxiety.
No amount of exhortations about
what I'm 'supposed' to 'do' or 'be' will work.
They only make me feel insufficient.
So, I won't do that.
I won't say to myself,
'You shouldn't feel this way.'
The desire for someone to rescue me
is very high,
and my heart sinks when I realize
that is not going to happen.
And then I revisit all the 'normal' people
living their normal lives,
and I wonder - again -
'Why can't I do that too?
Just get a regular job, a relationship,
and hang out on the weekends.'
I've tried that before.
Gave it my best effort,
but it always falls apart,
like spirit will not allow
me to go to the coveted place of 'normal'.
So, fear holds me today,
and it says in oh so clear a voice,
'Don't know if I want this cup, man.'
Ya know?
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