Searching

7 October 2010

So, perhaps what is called for now is a combination of
  listen, try and listen again.
  Don’t become attached to any particular idea.
  Just put it out there and listen to hear if it is the right direction.

It’s like a game of 20 Questions…with God.

I am reminded that it is a sacred time,
  like those moments before my mom passed.
  I was invited to witness, but more than that. I lent my hand.
  I was an active participant in the dance. 

  I was just clear that I wasn’t the lead.

So, it is now. I am not fatalistically – or through blind faith –
  waiting for what comes next.
  But neither am I rushing forward from a place

   of fear or ego or intellectual blindness.
  I am moving forward based on what I perceive to be the guidance of spirit

  (to the best of my ability).

Perhaps this is another sacred dance.
  I don’t know the outcome, only that its purpose
  is to move me toward this place I am supposed to be going.
  I can do it. I have been given a strong mind and heart for a reason.
  I am learning how to offer them in service of spirit, 

  rather than rampaging forward on their own.
  

I am learning to listen and hear.
  I have learned humility.
  I will be given what I need.
  I am no longer feeling the fear – it seems to have dissipated, for now anyway.

Life is a prayer.

Bright Blue Eyes

7 October 2010

She told me I have bright blue eyes; 

  I always choose blue eyes – each lifetime;  

  She held me and told me it would be alright, 

   that I need to continue in this path.

  I made an agreement to do ‘this’.

  I have all I need inside me to do ‘it’.

They are depending on me.  

  There are 12 – they were all around me; she was in front.  

  'When your hands tingle, that is me holding them.’  

  Looking me in the eye with her bright blue eyes.

I don’t know how to live in both worlds.  

  I will be told.  

  There is love.  There is courage – courage does not exist without fear.  

  Courage is acting in the presence of fear.  

  I am supposed to feel the fear, to learn to act with it.  

  It is a part of this existence – it holds many back from life.

  I must know it personally.  I do know it personally.

  I do know it.

I am learning that fear is not my guide.  

  I love it but am not dictated by it.

  I am more than my fear.

  I am.

I Never Claimed the Virtue of Patience

15 September 2010

I want to understand why I resist the spiritual…

why I doubt its realness,

why I think I am imagining all this,

why I am worried that I am suffering delusions,

why I push it away…

when it really is

all I am.

Not a day passes anymore that I am not living in prayer.  

It’s like a constant part of my being – it surrounds me, is me.

Yet, I don’t believe it to be real,

don’t trust it,

don’t feel that I have any special gifts or even a calling,

but that I just want it so badly and for so long

that I’ve imagined it into being.

Though I continue each day on this journey,

inside I hold back.  

And, I want to know

‘Where am I going?’

‘What am I doing?’

‘What is going on here???’

I know only that I need to shed material things quickly

and that I need to focus inward

to heal and grow and learn and cleanse.  

And, I know I’ll be told when it is time.  

But the time is upon me – it is here.  

And I don’t have any idea what is being asked of me.

I am asking my spirit guides to tell me something, anything.  

What I keep seeing is this image…

On my left, tall bluffs with sheer cliffs descending into a deep valley bordered on the other side by huge rolling hills, softly blanketed in trees – all green.  And directly in front of me a large bolder with the White Wolf encouraging me to descend into the valley.  Just now, the wolf transformed into an eagle upon whose back I climbed.  We soared high above the valley.  I saw all the people again and then the intense white/yellow light.  In the center of the light – from above – I could see a hole.  I saw Christ in the center – emitting the light.  I was lowered into the center.  And then I moved through the light into the valley…and I was ready to do what I’m being asked to do.

By entering the light and moving through it, I became/was made ready.

It is time.  Every cell of my being can feel it, anticipates it, prepares for it, wants to know…

What is ‘it’?!!

The Devout Doubter

16 October 2010

I feel the roar of that lion inside me again;

the pure, unfettered power that can shake the corners of the earth.

Yet, I know not what that is.

I dared, finally, the other day

to let myself roar in the privacy of my home.

It was merely the roar of a 50-year-old woman,

but there is something else there as well.

What is it?

My entire body is tingling,

energy rushes through/around/into my head,

my hands buzz.

I am equally

belief and doubt;

fully committed to this – whatever it is,

and thinking that I am falling into a grand delusion.

That is my fear...that I am delusional.

If it is possible to believe 110% and still question,

that describes me.

Pass the Cup

7 October 2010

I have a lot of fear right now.
  I'm trying to release it
  and not allow it to expand.

But, it is sneaky.
  It shows up in my dreams,
  in an irritated mood,
  in physical manifestations of anxiety.

No amount of exhortations about
  what I'm 'supposed' to 'do' or 'be' will work.
  They only make me feel insufficient.

So, I won't do that.
  I won't say to myself,
  'You shouldn't feel this way.'

The desire for someone to rescue me
  is very high,
  and my heart sinks when I realize
  that is not going to happen.

And then I revisit all the 'normal' people
  living their normal lives,
  and I wonder - again -
  'Why can't I do that too?
  Just get a regular job, a relationship,
  and hang out on the weekends.'

I've tried that before.
  Gave it my best effort,
  but it always falls apart,
  like spirit will not allow
  me to go to the coveted place of 'normal'.

So, fear holds me today,
  and it says in oh so clear a voice,
  'Don't know if I want this cup, man.'

Ya know?

Call, Decline, Call, hmmm

20 September 2010

I’m supposed to write a book, I don’t know about what.

All I really know is my own life, and I’m not even sure I understand that.

The Lesson Introduced

18 September 2010

Saw the dark of the universe
  and myself floating in it.
  The earth covered in a blanket of
  pulsating energy - healing energy.

Saw my connection to everything,
  started exploring this lesson.

This lesson wants to come,
  but is blocked.
  I want to understand.

I want to hold the oneness inside me,
  let is shine for all to feel.