I Know Not Where I Go

I sat on the only remaining chair in the mostly vacant house,
  the house that had been my home for 11 years;
  the house where I raised my children;
  the house that witnessed the horror of loss
  and the rebuilding of hope;
  the house where I witnessed
  the child that is me turn 50 years old.

It had taken two years to empty the house.
  So much collects in the course of a lifetime;
  things that we need,
  things that we think that we need,
  things that we don't need
  and will never use,
  things that we can't release because
  their presence preserves a memory
  of life past...

But, I had done it.
  I had given away 95% of my material possessions
  and now could fit everything I owned
  into a small room.

And in a matter of hours,
  I would leave this home for the last time.

It was time,
  time to step forth onto a path
  about which I had dreamt for many years.

I had spent the last eight years preparing
  professionally for this journey.
  I had searched deep into my soul to heal wounds,
  to find new insights, to build strength
  for the journey ahead.

And now, sitting in the empty house,
  on the last chair,
  in the last moments,
  of this stage of my life,

I realized

I go forth
  not fully prepared,
  not completely healed,
  not with the measure of faith I felt necessary.

I set foot upon this path
  knowing my children's safety is not guaranteed
  nor their futures secured.

I step into the unknown
  in the midst of an economic downturn
  and without the security of employment.

I don't know if I will find the relationship
  that will take me to the end.
  I don't have all the answers to all the questions,
  and now I realize I don't even have all the questions.

But, that's the point.

We're not supposed to have it all figured out.
  We are just asked to create what we can
  with what we have
  on the canvas that sits in front of us.

And that,
  that
  is the beauty
  and opportunity
  of this spirit walk.