Gratitude and Uncertainty

Sometimes, I yearn for the faith of my father.
  Through so much, he came.
  And, his faith never faltered.
  His gaze always held steady on his vision.

Recieving a series of messages of late,
  one to 'get out of my way';
  another that it is time to open my throat chakra;
  another to rest and care for my body;
  another to stay actively engaged in life
  even as I await my next call.

Yesterday, I had a flash of what it means to
  'get out of my way'.
  I was listening to the chatter in my head and
  witnessed as I lost my way, as the logic
  morphed into confusion,
  as the fragile confidence melted
  into self doubt, with self flagellation
  not far behind.

That's when I understood
  ways in which I stand in my own way.
  Gifting those thoughts and fears
  with my time and energy and heart
  robs me of the ability to live fully,
  clouds my eagle vision and closes my heart.

Opening my throat chakra is vitally important now.
  I remember when it was clear and strong and confident.
  I remember that I was articulate.
  And, I remember when I lost my voice.

Now, I stand, book in hand,
  and fear that it is not worthy of publication,
  feel overwhelmed with the publication process,
  and find my self stepping back from the call.

These traumas we experience in life
  do impact us in many, many ways.
  And, it seems that sometimes it takes
  years to heal the many layers of the grief.

What is amazing to me is that Spirit will
  guide us and hold us through that healing process.
  We will know when it is time to recognize that pain
  and to let it go.

The last lesson reaches to the core of my being...
  the desire, the will, the longing
  to make contributions, to give back to life.
  I so often equate that with vocational pursuits,
  and when I feel hindered in making those contributions
  I struggle.

So, Spirit sent me two reminders yesterday.
  I learned that one specific contribution I made
  has had broad and significant impact.
  As I wandered through the network into which my contribution
  was a part, I was overcome with gratitude and amazement.

The funny thing about the experience is that,
  I remember looking into the mirror of the hotel room
  and debating whether I would attend a meeting,
  because I felt I had nothing to offer.
  It was at that meeting that the journey began.

Then, Spirit gifted me with a vision about a friend.
  I shared it with him and witnessed the healing
  of which that vision was a part.
  'Stay engaged in life.  Don't just wait,' encourages Spirit.

So, enriched by these gifts of Spirit,
  and a heart once again filled with gratitude,
  I refocus my gaze from the old stories of failure and inability
  to the new and as yet untold possibilities
  gifted each moment from Spirit.

And, I take another step forward.

Security...the Opening Round

So, what is this thing security anway?

I think...

  health care for if I get hurt.

  retirement for when I can no longer care for myself.

  food and shelter...and water.

  Those things, I believe, will make me secure...

  make me feel as if I am secure.

But, what if I get in a car wreck and die?

  What good did the health care do?

What if there is a run on the banks and my retirement is lost?

What if there is a storm, or a fire, or a robbery and my home is destroyed?

What if there is a world-wide warming in the weather that lays barren the land?

What if a nuclear power plant develops a leak which seeps into the ocean
  and is swept by the currents to the shores from which I gather my water?

How much security is enough?

How much is needed to feel safe?

Have you ever read the numbers provided by the insurance agent?  

How many million dollars do you need to feel safe in your old age?

Can you ever even get that?

And, what will you give up to get it?

It seems a bottomless whirlpool,

  a vortex of fear, buy, fear, buy,

  run, run, run, run

  but never, 

  never,

  never really

  true security.

The logic goes nowhere, ends nowhere,

  feeds only my fear,

  means,

  in the end,

  nothing.

So, what is this thing security, anyway?

Security...the Gift of Spirit

This walk through life,
  for me,
  is a practice.

It seems, no sooner than I
  receive a new lesson upon which to contemplate,
  another is presented.

And, I realize that I
  haven't yet integrated the last lesson
  into my daily walk.

Smiling

This morning, I awoke to the message,
  'Don't judge.
  Just allow and witness.'

Immediately, I found myself judging my self,
  and I felt the harsh lash upon my body and heart.
  I started to judge myself for judging myself
  and then remembered...

'Allow, witness.'

Smiling

As I allowed and witnessed,
  the judger in me quieted
  and my spirit was brought back into balance,
  all through nondoing.

Then, I sat to meditate,
  wanting to learn more from Spirit
  about this thing, security.

In the quiet, my iPod beeped,
  indicating a new message.
  As I witnessed my curiousity
  and restrained the compulsion to jump up,
  I heard the lesson presented to me several weeks back,
  'Spiritualize the material.'

How, I wondered, can I spiritualize
  my walk through this day?
  How might I make sacred even the
  response to a message on an ipod?

smiling

Then, quiet.
  And a question from Spirit,
  'How do you feel?'
  My response, 'peaceful, serene, safe.'
  And the realization that I felt secure.
  Then, I was asked, 'What is different from yesterday?'

Immediately, I knew the answer.
  'Only me.
  My life circumstances have not changed since yesterday.  
  Only I have changed.'

'How', you ask, 'have I changed?'

The answer?
  Yesterday, my heart was closed to Spirit,
  and I experienced the illusion
  of being disconnected from the ALL.
  In that illusion, I felt alone and fearful
  for the safety of my being.

This morning, my heart is open to Spirit,
  and I see, experience, remember,
  once again,
  that this walk is a Spiritual walk.

Everthing that happens in this life is an
  expression of Spirit and an invitation
  to witness, learn, experience, create and
  walk in Spirit.

Even in the experience of those things I most fear,
  homelessness, financial devastation, illness...
  I will always find security,
  peace, serenity, safety,
  in Spirit.

And, Spirit will always
  be inside me.

In the everchanging flow of life,
  only that will never change.

Stasis is an Illusion

How do you flow smoothly
  through life's changes,
  like a stream flowing
  from the mountain to the sea?

On the train journey,
  I experienced continual change.
  The train, always moving forward,
  revealed to me a bit of life just once
  as it moved into the future.

Even the stops along the way
  were about change...
  a new place,
  new faces,
  new beds and food,
  and then,
  the departure.

And, as I said 'goodbye'
  the train sped toward
  the next future.

It felt, at times, disconcerting,
  for there really was no
  stable place, nor had I
  time to 'plant my feet',
  only to experience and witness.

Life is like that as well.

We build structures around us and
  fill them with materials things
  to give us a sense of place.
  All these things are good,
  home, family, place...

What I am questioning, however, is
  if their presence creates an illusion
  of invariability,
  and if that illusion
  begets a blindness to the reality that

  life is change.

And, this leads me back to my original question,
  which is this...
  If change is the nature of life,
   why do I experience it with such trepidation?
   why do I work so hard to create the illusion of stasis?
   why do I fall back in fear when I see change?
   why do I feel as if I'm being dragged to a party
    to which I don't want to go?

Fighting change is like fighting one's own nature.

So, if my intent were to experience
  life as the stream moving smoothly
  over rocks and around bends,
  what would that look like?

What would it feel like to embrace
  the nature of one's being,
  to fully let go into life,
  to stay fully in this passing moment?

Bright Blue Eyes

7 October 2010

She told me I have bright blue eyes; 

  I always choose blue eyes – each lifetime;  

  She held me and told me it would be alright, 

   that I need to continue in this path.

  I made an agreement to do ‘this’.

  I have all I need inside me to do ‘it’.

They are depending on me.  

  There are 12 – they were all around me; she was in front.  

  'When your hands tingle, that is me holding them.’  

  Looking me in the eye with her bright blue eyes.

I don’t know how to live in both worlds.  

  I will be told.  

  There is love.  There is courage – courage does not exist without fear.  

  Courage is acting in the presence of fear.  

  I am supposed to feel the fear, to learn to act with it.  

  It is a part of this existence – it holds many back from life.

  I must know it personally.  I do know it personally.

  I do know it.

I am learning that fear is not my guide.  

  I love it but am not dictated by it.

  I am more than my fear.

  I am.

Stepping Back in Time

24 August 2010

That’s how it is, you know.

You do walk through this life on your own.

‘Alone’ is not a state to be feared or mourned.

It is a state of true being;

at once a unique self,

and one with God and all that exists.

In this dual state of aloneness and oneness,

you are able to choose your own path;

a uniquely human gift.

On this journey,

you meet and share precious moments with many,

create memories,

feel a rich and ever unfolding plethora of emotions,

watch the physical manifestation of your self grow and change,

witness the journey’s of others…

There, too, is pain.

That is not unique to being human.

What we do with that pain, however,

is the question and challenge

to our evolving spirit.

We can transform it into love and wisdom.

Perhaps it takes a lifetime to discover how to do that,

but when we do, we experience a release and freedom that is indescribable!

And then, all that is left is pure love,

Everywhere you look, all that you touch…

Pure love…the gift of life and all its exquisite moments!

May God bless you all on your walk through this remarkable journey!

Change

25 May 2011

So, it would be on this day.
I am here alone, packing those things
that are so very important to me.

The sadness floods in,
the flood gates bulge,
the tears want to flow.

But, I have to keep moving forward.
Some part of me knows that so profoundly -
it is my truth.

To what or where I am moving,
I still have no idea.

I don't know what clothes to keep or
what of my belongings will come with me.

Hollow, alone feeling.
Feeling all alone.

One Simple Truth

The day draws ever closer
  when I shall leave this place,
  ending this incredible journey
  to Viet Nam.

Perhaps, I'll be back,
  but one can never be sure
  what the future will bring.

Beyond seeing family and friends
  over the holidays
  and a writing sabbatical
  to start off the new year,

I have no idea what comes next.

It is somewhat disconcerting
  to look out and not see
  the breadcrumbs I usually
  toss into my future
  to lead me forward.

I haven't tossed any breadcrumbs
  this time.
  I don't know what breadcrumbs
  to toss,
  nor would I know which way
  to toss them
  if I actually held them in my hands.

None of us ever really knows the future.
  And living as if we do know
  merely dims our awareness
  of that fact,
  providing a sense of comfort
  in the dark of the unknown.

There is a part of me that is fully intrigued
  with this idea of letting the future
  come to me.

Always, I have defined and planned,
  forged my way through the thicket of now
  to arrive at the envisioned future.

So, I am not skilled in this endeavor,
  either intellectually or emotionally.
  Of that I was made humorously aware
  when my response to sitting quietly was to
  plan - in detail - a month-long writing sabbatical!

How do you simply allow spirit?

How do you quiet your mind?

How do you honor your fears without
  giving them control?

How do you really,
  I mean really,
  become quiet
  to hear the call of spirit?

One thing I do know...
  I want to walk the path of Spirit.
  Of that one simple truth, I am certain.

Yet We Try

1 July 2011

Life

It's not always as clear as our 'rules of thumb' would have us believe.

Soon as our precepts are born, life strives to thwart them;
  for it can not be contained, nor will it be defined,
  by the likes of its own creation.

There is a Getting from Here to There

22 June 2011

We can talk such wonders.
  We can pontificate.
  We can muse.
  We can extrapolate.

All that, we can do
  from the comfort of our post.

But, what does it all mean
  void of the
  real
  life
  experience?

It is the real life that adds the color,
  the exquisite pain,
  the excruciating horror of meeting
 
  one self
  
  at every turn.

Even in the running,
  there she is…
  in her drab attire,
  her shabby soul,
  her torn heart,
  her confused mind.

She is the
  Real

She is the
  Now

She is the
  Reason

No amount of
  intellectualizing
  philosophic debate
  pondering
  musing
  will suffice.

For she requires
  real life, real breath.

She requires that we
  take notice
  of her pain,
  her feelings,
  her irrationality
  her questions
  her doubts…

Accept them all.
  Allow them all.
  Stop judging them.
  Stop pushing them
  beneath.
  They are real.

They are the essence of what we are here
  to discover.

They offer life.
  They present God
  in human form.

Partake
  Breathe her in
  Let her rest in your arms

She is
  You.

'The most holy of places is in the unknown.'

So, I enter the unknown,
  and when I open my eyes
  all is gone.
  Only vast white sand, blue sky and
  me.

Alone in this vast void

The demons
  the fears
  the doubts
  All find expansive space to fill
  expand to fill it – joyously

Surrounded by nothing.
  Inundated with self.
  All of self

The parts I thought
  I out grew,
  I ran from,
  I healed from,
  I wish were nonexistent.
 All shining against the white sand in the bright sun.

There is a known about the unknown.
  It includes me

I will never be perfect
  My fallibilities will never be fully resolved, addressed, healed

Rather, they make me who I am
  They offer the lessons from life that I imbue in my soul
  for all eternity.

I can't stop living
  or hold on to living
  until they are healed
  for it is only in living
  that they find their answers

That unknown is part of the answer
  and it can only be found
  when one finds the courage and faith
  to walk into it
  Despite – and with – the imperfections
  that demarcate her as an individual,
  a soul on a path.

Step into the unknown
  Find your self there
  Falter, fall
  But don’t run

Allow, feel, accept, love
  Move into it

Watch God manifest in the empty space

  inside yourself

Walk the path

Walk it

-------------

I am calling you to me.

I am ready now.

I am reaching out.

Come to me and let us walk.

We have been waiting a lifetime

It is time.

I am here.

Inspired by the Mystery

19 November 2011

If this life is, indeed, a thought experiment,

  then one could imagine that our higher selves

  do have infinite knowledge,

  do have the answers to the questions that taunt us through the generations.

And this is, precisely, the point.

If we do have all the wisdom of the universe

  tucked away deep inside our selves,

  but the experiment is to learn what it means

  to not have access to that,

  then by definition, we can’t find the answers we so desperately seek.

The purpose

  is not to find those elusive answers,

  but to learn to live without direct access to them,

  to discover in our selves that which

  exists in the unknown,

  discerns possibilities,

  experiments with ideas,

  learns from the journey…

The delight, the joy, the purpose is not to know,

  but to play, to learn, to explore,

  to experience the unknowing,

  to be inspired by the mystery …

Free Association

26 September 2012

I've got it!

Life is like free association!
  It just rambles on,
  sometimes as planned,
  but many times as if directed
  not by ourselves, but by another.

The lines of our days
  show up on the pages of our lives,
  littered with run-on sentences,
  paragraphs without endings,
  stories cut short,
  ideas repeated over and again,
  and the occassional
  inspired and powerful insight.

Ours is to rummage through the
  apparent chaos to find
  the jewels.

They are there,
  often hidden among the wreckage
  of plans gone awry,
  or experiences we would prefer to forget.

They are there,
  waiting for our discovery.