Love and Fear

I woke up this morning
 feeling entirely boggled
 at why

we constrict, constrain, control
  love.

In my own country,
  we are taught from the earliest years
  that love means a very specific relationship
  between two very specific people.

There is no room for love to be felt
  between people who don't fit the pre-defined roles,
  or to experience love in a different kind of relationship.

There is no allowance for the changing face of love
  to create its own definition of the most healthy
  relationship between those who feel that love.

Yet, love persists.
  It endows its blessings on all kinds of people,
  requesting new, different and evolving relationships
  to honor those people across situations and over time,
  inspiring acts of kindness and compassion,
  and generating creative energy for healing and growth.

So why, I ask,
  do we expend phenomenal energy trying to
  capture the most powerful force known to humankind,
  and force it into
  arbitrary boxes
  with boundaries
  designed to strangle and suffocate?

Why?

What fear in us drives us to run and hide
  from the source of creation, compassion,
  kindness, expansion, spiritual and human development?

It can't be a concern that love is limited...
  for love multiplies exponentially.

It can't be that the heart has only so much room for love...
  for even as space is kept for one love,
  another space opens up inviting in another love,
  and another,
  and another...

Perhaps, fear itself
  fears love.
  Fear can not exist with love.
  Like light illuminating the dark,
  love encompasses and dissolves fear.

So, in a vain endeavor to maintain its own
  stronghold on our hearts,
  fear wages war on love,
  hoping against all hope
  that we not actually experience
  real love.

For, if we do, we just may
  choose love over fear.

It Just Is

Do you know that I will always love you?

The passing of time,
  the love felt for another,
  your anger or reserve,
  nothing,
  nothing,
  will ever change that.

But, you know that, don't you?

And when you turn your eyes away,
  or feign indifference,
  it's because you feel the same.

It's okay.
  Really.

Just know.
  That's all.

Growth

Had a dream

There was a major theatrical production happening.
  The person made me the producer.

Before I could explain that I didn't know anything
  about producing,
  he left.

There were people everywhere,
  intent on creating this production,
  each with hir own role,
  well rehearsed.

All taking positions now so familiar,
  chatting with friends won through
  days and nights 'on stage'.

None, nothing
  was familiar to me,
  yet I was the Producer.

So, I stepped into the swirl
  of activity, watching all who
  seemed not aware of, or concerned with,
  my presence.

I thought to offer a competition,
  to build some comradarie.  I interrupted the flow
  to announce the competition and went
  to the woman who had the book of questions.
  But, she closed it, refusing my request,
  challenging my authority or even
  my right to be there.

I went back to the people and told
  them it would be just a minute.
  They resumed their activities
  without hesitation, and I found
  my own question for the competition.

So it continued throughout the day,
  people angry at my presence,
  unwilling to accept my role,
  turning away offers of friendship.

But, I realized somewhere in the middle of all this
  that I was handling each situation well.
  I was finding my way through.
  I was not internalizing their anger.
  I was not becoming their rejection.

I was solid in my own sense of
  self worth;
  clear about who I am;
  intent on fulfilling this new role in the best
  way I could;
  open, always open, to potential heart
  openings;
  and okay with wherever people
  were on their own paths.

I was okay.
  I am okay.

Sweet and Gentle

The jet lag lulls me to sleep during mid day,
  intent on confounding the deep confusion
  already penetrating every cell of this body.

But, my mind - when not lost in a cloud of fuzz -
  recognizes that staying awake when it's light outside
  is a good thing.

So, that is my quest this week...
  to stay awake during the day
  and find sleep during the night.

Seemingly a simple task,
  but it's taking all my energy
  and leaving precious little for writing.

The muse is still here,
  waiting patiently for my
  body and mind to align with this
  new place and time.

And then, she will push again,
  for I believe she is not done,
  perhaps only just started...

Namaste...

The See...I

There was a girl with stars in her eyes.
  She danced and ran through the fields,
  chasing after the vision
  that played, always, just one step ahead.

Closer and closer, she drew,
  yet always the vision eluded her.
  But, the girl wouldn't give up.

'Why would this vision come to me,'
   she thought,
  'if not because I am to follow it?'

So she continued her chase,
  bounding over rocks,
  climbing hills,
  gaining strength and clarity
  with each step.

One day, she happened upon a pond,
  and in it, she saw a beautiful young woman.
  Startled, she stepped back.
  And, the beautiful young woman disappeared.

She crept back to pond,
  and looking therein, saw once again,
  the beautiful young woman.

The young woman gazed back at her,
  stars dancing in her eyes,
  arms and torso strong,
  blonde hair waving gently in the breeze.

For a very long time, the girl gazed
  at the young woman.
  Finally, she decided it was time to move on.
  The vision would not be kept waiting.

So, with tears in her eyes,
  she bid the beautiful young woman, 'good bye'.
  And as she stepped away from the pond,
  the young woman disappeared.

She ran, swift as a gazelle,
  feeling the roar of a lioness building
  in her lungs, sensing the changing seasons
  against her skin,
  led always by
  the vision.

Sometimes, she felt herself lift off the ground,
  saw herself flying among the stars,
  felt the touch of angels.

She ran, danced, flew day-upon-day
  until one bright morning,
  she came upon a vast, churning
  sea.

Across the sea, she saw
  stones, spaced evenly apart
  stretching into the distance...
  and beyond that, her vision.

She sensed something different,
  ominous, perilous, foreboding.
  Even as she drew back from the water,
  she saw, once again, the woman.
  Only this time, the woman was older,
  stronger, with a confidence and deep faith.

And she realized, the woman would take
  her safely across the sea.
  So, she stepped onto the stones
  and began her crossing.

The waters churned as if in anger.
  The wind whipped at her face.
  The stones slipped beneath her feet.
  Yet, she continued - her vision before her,
  the woman at her side.

Days passed, the skies grew dark,
  and the stones disappeared beneath
  the broiling sea.
  No shore was visible, only
  the stone upon which she had not stepped.
  And, the woman melted into the
  frenzy that was the water,
  leaving the girl alone, cold, frightened,
  feeling a growing sense of death.

In the dark, she discovered she could
  still see her vision in her mind, even if only dimly.
  So, she closed her eyes and stepped forth,
  one foot after the other,
  feeling the stones beneath her feet.

Thus she strode, into the growing darkness and cold.
  Until one day, she stepped upon a stone that gave way.
  Quickly, she withdrew her foot and saw
  the stone was, in fact, a turtle.
  She could not step on it without killing it.

She turned her gaze back to the stones upon which
  she had come,
  but they were no longer there.

She was alone in the great, angry sea,
  with nowhere to step except onto
  a being that could not bear her weight.

Fright grabbed her heart for she knew
  she could not hurt the turtle
  and she could not turn back.

Holding tightly to the memory of the woman,
  eyes closed to see her vision,
  she stepped off the rock
  into the sea...

The See...II

The waters swallowed her,
  pulling her ever more deeply into
  the dark, wet abyss.

Holding her breath,
  feeling her lungs burning,
  knowing she couldn't hold
  much longer.

Seeing, still, the vision in her mind,
  even as her limbs grew still
  and she drew the liquid breath.

Knowing she could never step
  on the turtle.
  She could not harm another
  for her own benefit.

Floating gently on the tide.
  Not feeling the cold or the wet.
  Feeling only release and peace.

Ours is to live and strive and learn
  and, sometimes, to struggle
  and question...

but never to harm another
  on our way.

The see,
  gentle and warm,
  blue and effervescent,
  giving way to the quiet but powerful
  rhythm of the turtle,
  now gliding under the girl,
  lifting her gently on its back,
  carrying her on,
  her vision gleaming in its eyes.

See

We are one.

Harming another, no matter how small,
  harms us all.

Walk in peace, love always,
  harm never,
  on this journey.

We are Human, After All

I became aware some time back
  that being human is a
  contradiction of terms.

We hold within these earthly bodies,
  light and dark,
  peace and malcontent,
  hope and fear...

Always, we step forward
  embodying extreme opposites,
  balancing seemingly impossible juxtapositions.

In our pursuit of the light,
  shall we deny the dark?
  Shall we pretend that it doesn't
  exist side-by-side with our light?

I worry always that we shun that
  which doesn't fit our image of
  who we are supposed to be,
  that we pretend the questions,
  the fears, the doubts, the ...
  don't exist.

For, in so doing, we deny
  our humanity.

Perhaps, we are angels in human form.
  Perhaps, we are old souls.

We can be all that

AND

we are human,
  at the same time.

And being human isn't all that easy!

Sometimes, it hurts so bad,
  you want to scream bloody hell!

Sometimes, you feel so angry,
  you could rip the head off a lion.

Sometimes, you are so frightened,
  the rock under which you hide
  is the only place you feel safe.

Sometimes, the goodwill morphs into
  envy, or dislike or even hate.

We are in human form.
  I sincerely believe that part of
  our evolution

  is to come to terms with that simple fact.

Dare we love the dark in our selves?
Dare we admit our failings, our misperceptions,
  our misgivings, our doubts?

Dare we allow the other the same?

Can we love our selves
  and the other
  in our raw, imperfect, tarnished form?

the Harbinger

Seems a lifetime ago that I wrote this poem.

  I could feel my soul dying, but knew not why.

  

I had planned, so carefully, my life,

  had chosen with whom I wanted to share it,

  crafted a family and home and vocation.

Yet, something was desperately wrong.

  I could feel it, sense it,

  but I couldn't see it.

It felt as if the life force within me

  was withering,

  and soon all that would be left

  was a body, a shell,

  a veneer covering a vast

  emptiness.

Just two years later,

  I learned...

and then, I spent the next ten years

  watching as it all,

  all of it,

  fell apart.

July 23, 1996

Why does my soul cry out so?

  Not the wailing of loss,

  but the whimper of the lost.

Why do the tears turns to rage?

   And from where do they come?

Why do I hide from those I love?

  Desperately closing out their voices and faces

  in the steady drone of the television?

What child is in me, scared;

  so used to the dark, comfortable in its security

  and strangling in its web?

Why does my soul cry so?

  What has it lost?

  Where should I look?

  How do I rid - finally - the desperate scream,

  the never ending sorrow, the emptiness?

Please God

  If only I knew what it was,

  I could work with it,

  soothe the pain, find peace,

  fill the emptiness.

Years have passed.

  Some moments so deep in pain;

  with the ever present boding

  that I am trapped inside with no way out.

I can no longer hide in this quiet hell.

  I must break out;

  I must understand how to break out;

  Please let me loose;

  Please let me go.

Show me the wound,

  Help me to heal it,

  Let me live, love.

Please..

I remember -

  I used to soar to the stars;

  I smelled the pines;

  I was one with the earth and sky.

There seemed no limits, no fear, no end

  to the possibilities, the love, the joy.

I remember -

  but I no longer feel.

The stars have wandered far from my gaze,

  The pines keep their scent from me,

  The earth has become only the surface upon which I tread.

  The sky - the impossibilities, the vast open of fear.

Where once there was excitement of adventure,

  there now is growing fear.

Where once there was simple wonderful joy,

  there now is anger and more anger.

What happened?  Where is 

  the joy, 

  the stars, 

  the sky, 

  the pines, 

  my heart?     

Gifts of the Harbinger

A few days ago I shared a poem that,
  now looking back,
  I understand was my soul
  preparing to open itself to a knowledge
  that would burn like wildfire
  through my life.

That knowledge, finally,
  was shared with me,
  and like a great ball of fire, it

  burned
  destroyed
  decimated
  everything in its path.

No one and nothing was left untouched.

The fury and hunger of the beast
  unleashed seemed endless.
  The horror of the dark exposed
  was stunning.

Yes, there was dark in my self.
  But, I witnessed also
  the dark in others,
  saw it bare its ferocious fangs,
  swing its mighty claws,
  scream its bloody cry.

I believe we are given our greatest tests in life
  as a gift, an opportunity
  to learn wisdom of great import,
  so that we can then offer it back
  to life.

Many years, I have spent healing,
  trying to understand, re-building,
  re-visioning, re-crafting, healing,
  trying to move beyond...

I set out to share this story in hopes
  that some of that coveted wisdom
  would grace itself upon me so I could
  share it with others and show that there
  really is hope,
  even when all is darker than dark.

But, I find in this endeavor that the pain still lies just below the surface.
  And, I find myself once again on my knees,
  asking what it will take, finally,
  to heal these wounds,
  praying to find the wisdom and courage
  in myself to forgive and allow and love,
  just as I have so wanted from others.

Perhaps, I can start by visualizing each one,
  and surrounding him/her in brilliant white light,
  and love, unconditional love,
  not mine to give,
  but to pass on.

Perhaps, that is where I will start.

Finding the Gifts of the Harbinger

How do you break the chains of the past?
  Wise ones from the native people's would say,
  you re-write the dream.

Choose to step out of the role in which
  you cast yourself
  and recast yourself in a different way.

You create your reality, not just figuratively,
  but quite literally.

In search of wisdom, I instead found
  a child still wounded.
  And that child wants to teach me.

So, I listen
  for I do not want to be held
  by chains of my own craft.

I want to evolve
  through the rich experiences
  offered me in this life.

It is true,
  my discovery set in motion
  a vast tide that swept over many
  including myself,
  
and challenged us all,
  some of us at the very core of our being.
  Perhaps, that in itself was the gift.

Mindful that I can speak for no other,
  I revert back to the first person
  so to honor the path that others must/choose
  to walk.

Looking back now, I see there was no other way.
  This part of me had to be birthed
  for therein lie the gifts.

And the part I want to re-write?

No longer am I the 'victim of circumstance'.
  I am co-creator.

No longer am I defined by, nor does my worth
  depend on, what others think of me...
  or what I think of myself.
  
No longer am I the 'betrayed', the 'abandoned',
  the 'cast-out', the 'ugly', the 'worthless',
  the 'disappointment'...

I am different...
  and that is not a bad thing!

Others who are confronted with my
  differentness are, in turn, invited to peer within
  to see what evolves there.

It is not for me to dictate or judge their response.
  It is their walk, not mine.

If I can accept each in hir own response
  and see it as a reflection of hir own journey,
  I will be respecting that person just as s/he is
  and honoring the path s/he is walking in this life.

That's for starters!

just beyond

I recently realized that when I post on my blog,
  the poem shows up in my 'yesterday'.

Even as the words flow from my fingers,
  my friends in the states
  are reading them in the day already
  a part of my past.

Yet, I write and they read
  at the same moment.

So, I examine my flight ticket home.
  I'll leave Seoul, South Korea at 11pm on Saturday
  and arrive in Los Angeles, USA at 7am on
  that same day?!

Smiling.

No matter how hard I try,
  I can not put together the logic
  of this phenomenon.

Yes, I've read the literature
  and, if I read it again right now,
  I could actually recite it before
  it once again slipped from my memory.

And, this is merely one simple law of physics.
  There is so much more we can't even fathom,
  much less describe or understand.

It truly is a mystery.

My Son

My dear son

Only hours ago, you learned of
  the passing of your friend.

I can only imagine those hours
  took forever to unfold,
  each moment opening your
  innocent heart to the ravages
  that only death
  can impart.

I cry for your friend,
  not yet an adult,
  and the experiences she
  will never have in this lifetime.

And, I cry for the loss of your
  innocence,
  for having been visited by death,
  you are forever touched
  by knowledge that we are all
  mortal.

There is a sorrow in that realization,
  the depths from which you feel
  you may never emerge.

The earth shakes under your feet.

Reality suddenly looks and feels different.
  It is unfamiliar, scary, and unwanted.

You have just been launched on a journey
  that may take years to unfold
  and for which you may feel entirely
  unprepared.

The fact is, sweetie, none of us is really prepared
  for life as it comes to us.
  But, we have each other, and we have
  the love of God and guidance
  of our spirit guides.

We all hold you now, closely,
  in a love that nothing - not even death -
  can touch.

As you face the terror and mystery
  of death,
  know that we are by your side,
  even when you can't feel us...

Forever and a day.

A Mother's Grief

There is a woman I know only by sight.

So many times, I saw you
  as we both watched our dear children
  grow through childhood.

Passing each other at play rehearsals.
  Sitting in the same audience.
  Watching them on stage,
  singing, dancing, playing.
  Crossing paths at the grocery store, child in hand.
  Watching them accept their high school diploma...

And now, as you sit in shock
  at life's demand that you bid 'farewell'
  to your beautiful daughter,
  tears well in my eyes
  and my heart aches for the
  pain which no mother can
  ever
  imagine...

that of saying 'good-bye' to a child.

I carry you in my heart
  and prayers this day forward.

May you feel God's grace
  in this moment,
  and for all the days of your life.

Another Invitation; Another Shift

13 November 2010

Last night, when the Kundalini came again, I spoke with it. 

  Then, I turned my attention to that entity from the stars – El.

  As I did, I felt my self go in, deep in, to me and then out. 

  I sensed a vast openness. And that’s where I found my self. 

  I said, ‘I want to know you.’

I realized that I have been like a third party, looking in on my self. 

  As things have happened, like 
   the energy in my body or hearing people’s thoughts, 

   I look on with surprise and disbelief, as if reading another’s story. 

I feel the effects of my resistance..

  the cloudiness, the confusion, tiredness,
  the sense of loss, the feeling that it is all so hard.

What I haven’t yet done is to ‘own’ all this as me. 

  Only last week I gathered the courage to articulate, for the first time,

    what I have known since childhood...that I am not from here. 

Having finally said that, I felt this incredible weight lift and
  sensed a different kind of freedom. 

  I really am not from here. I really am from somewhere in the stars. 

  And, I am old. That’s not someone else. 
  That’s me.

I felt yesterday that I had to commit to this journey at a deeper level. 

  Last night, I realized that I need to own it. 

  I need to stop resisting.  I need to unblock the chakras and truly

  allow my unfolding.

I look around at my life and see the vestiges of my ‘taking it apart’, 

  literally clearing it of the past, of material things, of a specific career path,

  and even of having any work right now. 

  I have created an open space. 

  I thought that was for when my son graduated, 

  but I’m realizing that it is for right now.

I am being asked to make the shift now.

Finding My Way Back

3 November 2010

Yes, we stand in our own way.
  The bane of our existence is our self.

It’s a lot of work to cleanse and keep cleansing.
  Have to take responsibility for yourself.
  Easier to blame others, to be angry,
  or to carry righteous indignation,
  as they all take the focus off oneself.

The other option is to focus on self – always asking
  ‘What is going on inside me now?’
  It’s work to face oneself.
  So much work to do.

Necessary to be diligent and always aware.
  Self is slippery, trying to get away from responsibility.
  Wants to take the easy path.
  Wants a break.

But, it’s a commitment to a way of life…
  to be always aware of self,
  misinformation created,
  protections inappropriately applied,
  separation tactics,
  fear hidden behind anger,
  disengagement cloaked as detachment
  indignation at others…

So many fault lines set by one’s self.
  So easy to trip over illusions created by one’s self.
  Amazing we get through a single day without tripping…
  or do we?

And the purpose???
  Trying to find our way back to God.
  Trying to learn and live our purpose.

I am here for a purpose.
  I am trying to find my way back to that purpose,
   blinded by the human form I have taken,
   trapped in the life experiences and perceptions
   of this being in which I reside.

I know now that I AM.
  I know that I chose this form.
  I know I accepted this path,
   committed to it long before entering this form.

I know that I remain committed to this path.
  It is who I am, why I am.
  I can no more say ‘no’ to it than I can
   to taking the next breath.
  This is not a matter of choice or will.
  It, quite simply, is

why I exist.

the Journey Taken

I have been reflecting on the last couple years.

Tried to share in the next series of posts, the journey
  as it unfolded.

However, my techno-abilities have once again
  shown themselves to be on the limited side!

So, the posts did not come out in order.
  Perhaps that's not all bad.
  For our journeys through life really aren't
  linear or ordered the way in which we would like
  them to be.

Rather, they defy our best laid plans
  and show us paths we could never
  conceive on our own.

I guess what's amazing to me,
  is that this all happened.

In the recounting, I remember
  and relive.
  I can see now
  what was then so
  hidden from me.

Thing is,
  it was the living through it
  that finally made it
  visible to me.

It's not the destination,
  but rather,
  the journey taken.

The Dark Can Not Exist in the Light

10 November 2010

The movie – Agora – taught me

  an important lesson about intolerance. 

  Intolerance starts with ignorance, 

  is fed by fear, 

  lavishes in hate and

  ultimately leads to loss of life.

It is that simple.

We all have the capacity for light and darkness. 

  Our fears lead us into the dark. 

  The light in us shows us out of the darkness

  and challenges us to examine our own fears and intolerance.

I must learn my way through my own intolerance

  or the fear in me will ignite 

  and I will create darkness even though my will is to create light.

Kundalini and My Father

11 November 2010

I had a realization last night. I know where the Kundalini came from. It started in May of 2010. I arrived back from Zimbabwe in April. In the last days of my sojourn there and the first weeks back, I submitted a request to the ancestors to petition my father to let me go so that I could discover my full spiritual gifts. The Kundalini started just weeks after.

The Kundalini came on suddenly and with incredible strength. I thought I was going crazy.  Nothing could resolve the burning inside me, the energy storm in my body.  Every day, it intensified, came more frequently, became more disabling.  I spent much time in the beginning, soaking in the tub, running, crying, meditating, feeling like I was falling into madness, not understanding.  

During those initial days, I drew a card – that of the snake. It talked about transformation – that I was going through a transformation. I accepted that, but did not relate it to the crazy energy in my body.  It was then that my teacher suggested that perhaps it was Kundalini energy rising. I did a bit of research on Kundalini and found it is related to a snake – my card. 

But, the energy was dominating my existence, and I quickly became frustrated with the research.  I had very little patience for anything and felt desperate to stop the craziness inside me.  

The episode in June lasted weeks, was incredibly intense and painful.  I call them episodes because once they started, they would last anywhere from several days to several weeks, changing only in severity.  The energy seemed to be born from, and dwelled in, what I now know is my Root Chakra.  Here is how I described it at that time,

'The Kundalini is recurrent in terms of the intense energy; the extreme discomfort and sometimes pain; the inability to resolve it; the explosions out the top of my head; the clarity and openness afterward; the intense flux of numerous ‘understandings’ and realizations coming so fast that I barely have time to register them much less integrate them intellectually; the feelings of depression; the need for lots of sleep; the buzzing throughout my body; the disorientation and ‘spaciness’; the inability to focus on paid work; the need for alone time….'

Within days of first experiencing the energy, I met a new spirit guide, the Crone.  She was an elderly woman with white hair, wearing Native American clothing.  Soon after, I met the White Wolf.  I started to turn to my spirit guides and did some research on Kundalini energy. It got me through the episode in June.

In the last 5 months, I have made small advances in ‘working with’ and ‘being with’ this process.  I have been able to move the energy with my hands. I have been able to move it to places on my body that were hurting and use it to heal. I think I understand part of why the energy gets stuck in my root chakra. I realized last night what started it all. It didn’t come out of the blue. It was gifted to me as a result of the request I made to my father to stop protecting me so that I could walk my path.

One day, as I lay in the tub, it started again. I decided to let go, so I focused on breathing and being quiet. I was able to do it for a while, but then was overcome by it and started crying again. The next day, I tried again. I meditated and became quiet; when I felt centered, I invited it back. I felt the familiar burning in my Root chakra and the rising of the energy into my torso. I imagined my outward breath collecting under the energy and gently pushing it upward. I imagined my inward breath pulling the energy up into my head. After a bit, I felt it rise up through my body. As it did, my body moved to straighten out the spine and my head pulled back. I felt the energy rise into my head. It met with the white energy I was pulling in through the Crown Chakra. My entire body buzzed, gentle, beautiful, quiet, peaceful. I don’t know how long that lasted. Each breath created the experience anew. When it finally receded, my entire body was tingling – for a very long time.

That was the break through. After that, I started to - occasionally - experience the energy as a companion and assistant, working on chakras and emotions that were ‘off’, sending tingling sensation throughout my body, leaving my arms numb….every day, night.

But in the last days, I have become depressed. Lots of negative energy that I can’t seem to dispel – negative thoughts and feelings that run rampant through my mind. I can see them and want to stop them, but can’t seem to do it.
------------------------
3 November 2012

It is two years now since I wrote that journal entry.  I smile because I understand now why my father was protecting me from taking that journey.  You see, my father is one of my spirit guides.  He passed in the year 2000, after a life-time of giving back to every soul that crossed his path.

He was a great man in my eyes, my first hero.

And being his only daughter, I believe he felt a particular need
  to protect me from the vagaries and potential dangers of life.
  Even so, when I was just 19 and demanded that I would hike - alone -
  into the woods, he gathered the courage to walk with me part way,
  and then watch as I marched up the hill.

Many years later, I met a shaman in Zimbabwe, Fungai,
  who knew both me and my father,
  without ever having met us.

For some time, I had been experiencing many different
  things; hearing people's thoughts, 'knowing' when something
  was going to happen, feeling another peering through my eyes,
  communicating with spirits...

But, it all felt like a taste-test, a tease,
  as the experiences were not consistent,
  didn't seem to be melding into anything
  that I could 'hold' - as if you can hold spirit?!

Yet, I felt like I was being held back,
  like something was stopping me from
  moving to the next place on this journey.

Then, I met Fungai, and he told me of my father.
  It was then that I realized that my father,
  in his love for me, was protecting me.
  He was stopping me.

That is when I asked Fungai to petition the ancestors
  on my behalf, to ask my father to
  let me go, to let me walk my path.

And, once again, my father who now had 
  sight beyond a mere mortal,
  let me go.

He was right in trying to protect me.
  The journey with Kundalini did bring me to my knees, 
  and dangled me on the edge of madness.

But, he was also right in letting me go.
  This is the path I must walk.
  And, I thank him again,

my father, the sage, my spirit guide,
  Pastor Olaf Elmar Magis.

Searching

7 October 2010

So, perhaps what is called for now is a combination of
  listen, try and listen again.
  Don’t become attached to any particular idea.
  Just put it out there and listen to hear if it is the right direction.

It’s like a game of 20 Questions…with God.

I am reminded that it is a sacred time,
  like those moments before my mom passed.
  I was invited to witness, but more than that. I lent my hand.
  I was an active participant in the dance. 

  I was just clear that I wasn’t the lead.

So, it is now. I am not fatalistically – or through blind faith –
  waiting for what comes next.
  But neither am I rushing forward from a place

   of fear or ego or intellectual blindness.
  I am moving forward based on what I perceive to be the guidance of spirit

  (to the best of my ability).

Perhaps this is another sacred dance.
  I don’t know the outcome, only that its purpose
  is to move me toward this place I am supposed to be going.
  I can do it. I have been given a strong mind and heart for a reason.
  I am learning how to offer them in service of spirit, 

  rather than rampaging forward on their own.
  

I am learning to listen and hear.
  I have learned humility.
  I will be given what I need.
  I am no longer feeling the fear – it seems to have dissipated, for now anyway.

Life is a prayer.

Bright Blue Eyes

7 October 2010

She told me I have bright blue eyes; 

  I always choose blue eyes – each lifetime;  

  She held me and told me it would be alright, 

   that I need to continue in this path.

  I made an agreement to do ‘this’.

  I have all I need inside me to do ‘it’.

They are depending on me.  

  There are 12 – they were all around me; she was in front.  

  'When your hands tingle, that is me holding them.’  

  Looking me in the eye with her bright blue eyes.

I don’t know how to live in both worlds.  

  I will be told.  

  There is love.  There is courage – courage does not exist without fear.  

  Courage is acting in the presence of fear.  

  I am supposed to feel the fear, to learn to act with it.  

  It is a part of this existence – it holds many back from life.

  I must know it personally.  I do know it personally.

  I do know it.

I am learning that fear is not my guide.  

  I love it but am not dictated by it.

  I am more than my fear.

  I am.

I Never Claimed the Virtue of Patience

15 September 2010

I want to understand why I resist the spiritual…

why I doubt its realness,

why I think I am imagining all this,

why I am worried that I am suffering delusions,

why I push it away…

when it really is

all I am.

Not a day passes anymore that I am not living in prayer.  

It’s like a constant part of my being – it surrounds me, is me.

Yet, I don’t believe it to be real,

don’t trust it,

don’t feel that I have any special gifts or even a calling,

but that I just want it so badly and for so long

that I’ve imagined it into being.

Though I continue each day on this journey,

inside I hold back.  

And, I want to know

‘Where am I going?’

‘What am I doing?’

‘What is going on here???’

I know only that I need to shed material things quickly

and that I need to focus inward

to heal and grow and learn and cleanse.  

And, I know I’ll be told when it is time.  

But the time is upon me – it is here.  

And I don’t have any idea what is being asked of me.

I am asking my spirit guides to tell me something, anything.  

What I keep seeing is this image…

On my left, tall bluffs with sheer cliffs descending into a deep valley bordered on the other side by huge rolling hills, softly blanketed in trees – all green.  And directly in front of me a large bolder with the White Wolf encouraging me to descend into the valley.  Just now, the wolf transformed into an eagle upon whose back I climbed.  We soared high above the valley.  I saw all the people again and then the intense white/yellow light.  In the center of the light – from above – I could see a hole.  I saw Christ in the center – emitting the light.  I was lowered into the center.  And then I moved through the light into the valley…and I was ready to do what I’m being asked to do.

By entering the light and moving through it, I became/was made ready.

It is time.  Every cell of my being can feel it, anticipates it, prepares for it, wants to know…

What is ‘it’?!!

The Devout Doubter

16 October 2010

I feel the roar of that lion inside me again;

the pure, unfettered power that can shake the corners of the earth.

Yet, I know not what that is.

I dared, finally, the other day

to let myself roar in the privacy of my home.

It was merely the roar of a 50-year-old woman,

but there is something else there as well.

What is it?

My entire body is tingling,

energy rushes through/around/into my head,

my hands buzz.

I am equally

belief and doubt;

fully committed to this – whatever it is,

and thinking that I am falling into a grand delusion.

That is my fear...that I am delusional.

If it is possible to believe 110% and still question,

that describes me.

Pass the Cup

7 October 2010

I have a lot of fear right now.
  I'm trying to release it
  and not allow it to expand.

But, it is sneaky.
  It shows up in my dreams,
  in an irritated mood,
  in physical manifestations of anxiety.

No amount of exhortations about
  what I'm 'supposed' to 'do' or 'be' will work.
  They only make me feel insufficient.

So, I won't do that.
  I won't say to myself,
  'You shouldn't feel this way.'

The desire for someone to rescue me
  is very high,
  and my heart sinks when I realize
  that is not going to happen.

And then I revisit all the 'normal' people
  living their normal lives,
  and I wonder - again -
  'Why can't I do that too?
  Just get a regular job, a relationship,
  and hang out on the weekends.'

I've tried that before.
  Gave it my best effort,
  but it always falls apart,
  like spirit will not allow
  me to go to the coveted place of 'normal'.

So, fear holds me today,
  and it says in oh so clear a voice,
  'Don't know if I want this cup, man.'

Ya know?

Call, Decline, Call, hmmm

20 September 2010

I’m supposed to write a book, I don’t know about what.

All I really know is my own life, and I’m not even sure I understand that.

The Lesson Introduced

18 September 2010

Saw the dark of the universe
  and myself floating in it.
  The earth covered in a blanket of
  pulsating energy - healing energy.

Saw my connection to everything,
  started exploring this lesson.

This lesson wants to come,
  but is blocked.
  I want to understand.

I want to hold the oneness inside me,
  let is shine for all to feel.

Pay It Forward

15 September 2010

So, why are we here, really?  

  It’s not the ‘work-a-day’ job or career.  

  It’s not the multi-thousand dollar car or expensive dinners…is it?

There’s more.  We all know it.  

  We can sense it, if only briefly.  

  Like a sprite, it eludes us.

  But, in the right light and when it’s not looking,

  we catch a glimpse…we see…we know.  

It’s there.

  It’s life.

  It’s love.  

Did you ever see the movie ‘Pay It Forward’?  

  That’s what it’s all about.  

  Simple acts of kindness and love – one at a time, for your whole life.  

Imagine that.

  Every person, every moment…

We could recreate this world!

  Why not?

  Why not?

The Victorious 'Whys'

15 September 2010

I often ponder why I was given such an inquisitive, determined mind

  if not to solve all the universe’s mysteries.

In fact, as life has presented me with the unknowable,

  like clockwork, I have vested my entire being in gaining an understanding of

  ‘what just happened to me, and why?’

More often than not,

  I have limped away from these fruitless self-encounters,

  head bleeding, ego beaten down and the question, ‘why?’

  still large, bold and unanswered,

  daring me to yet another round.

It’s only around year 50 that I finally figure out that

  there are no answers readily available to the ‘whys’.  

  And, the more devastating the situation,

  the further away I feel from the ‘truth’ regarding ‘why’.

So, I now try to step back,

  preferring to avoid the head banging and instead,

  tread the new, but promising path of

‘It’s okay.  I don’t need to know why.  Rather, what gift is being offered me and what can I learn?’  

It’s a different tack,

  a new approach to the unknowable,

  perhaps one with a bit gentler process and

  more fruitful outcomes.

Who among you has found the answers to the ‘whys’ – when they really matter?  

  Not many, I would venture.  

  Perhaps it is worth experimenting with a new approach.

Stepping Back in Time

24 August 2010

That’s how it is, you know.

You do walk through this life on your own.

‘Alone’ is not a state to be feared or mourned.

It is a state of true being;

at once a unique self,

and one with God and all that exists.

In this dual state of aloneness and oneness,

you are able to choose your own path;

a uniquely human gift.

On this journey,

you meet and share precious moments with many,

create memories,

feel a rich and ever unfolding plethora of emotions,

watch the physical manifestation of your self grow and change,

witness the journey’s of others…

There, too, is pain.

That is not unique to being human.

What we do with that pain, however,

is the question and challenge

to our evolving spirit.

We can transform it into love and wisdom.

Perhaps it takes a lifetime to discover how to do that,

but when we do, we experience a release and freedom that is indescribable!

And then, all that is left is pure love,

Everywhere you look, all that you touch…

Pure love…the gift of life and all its exquisite moments!

May God bless you all on your walk through this remarkable journey!

Self Transcendence

27 November 2011

Self Transcendence is the inherent ability
  of systems to transcend;
  to reach out and create new forms.

Humans, as integrated systems,
  have the capacity to transcend,
  to create,
  to rise above that which we are
  to become that which we may be.

'What is your vision for who you are to become?'

I will be that wise woman.

I will hold steadfast to my vision
  of equity and well-being for all
  and a planet sustained for the 7th generation.

I will transcend the storylines
  that have created cement around my feet
  and hardness in my heart.

I will seek out and learn
  new ways of thinking and perceiving
  to create new storylines,
  storylines that capture

life in balance,

love lived,

compassion expressed.

This is not adapting to what is,
  but creating, inventing,
  transcending that which I am
  to become
  that which I can be.