Comfort on the Journey

11 October 2011

Journeyed...

'Who am I when I am living fully in my truth?' I ask.

In return, 'What is your truth?'

'To give of myself to those who are oppressed...
  and to my children.'

A god dressed in gold and crimson appears before me.
  He has eight arms, all moving in synchronicity,
  doing everything simultaneously.
  It is amazing to see him accomplish so much
  just sitting there!

Then, I look at myself and see only two arms.
  I am disappointed, discouraged.

'You can't do it all.  You are just human.
  You can not be all things to all people'.

A path of white sand appears before me, moving off
  into the distance.
  I know it is mine, but I am not supposed to be walking.

'Who am I when I am walking fully in my truth?
  What is my truth?
  What is my truth?'

'Stay focused, pull your energy in,
  renew it through meditation,
  stay centered,
  stay focused.'

Reaction - mine - my own fears, insecurities, disbelief -
  raise their heads, ready to lash out at me,
  deride me, smash me into a million pieces,
  steal my dream,
  devour my hope.

Ohm mani padme hum
Ohm mani padme hum
Ohm mani padme hum

Compassion, love

'You have seen the darkness inside your self.
  Gather the courage to witness it in full
  so that you may grow in wisdom.

Witness, be still, witness.
  Don't analyze or move to solutions.
  Dare to be a full and honest witness to
  that which exists in your darkness.

Perhaps, you have become attached
  to the terrors that hide in your darkness.
  In that attachment, you give them your power.
  Witness the attachment.

Witness.'

I step into the darkness.

The emaciated, angry spirit therein
  has been raised from its slumber
  and awaits in gluttonous hunger.

Seething, chanting,
  'You can't, you aren't, you won't, how dare you?!'
  'You are a failure.  You are a disappointment.'

Frightened, falling, falling,
  deeper into the abyss;
  the vicious scream of the spirit
  forever laughing in my head.

I land at the bottom of the never-ending abyss
  and see there the ultimate failure...

I have failed God.
  I have wasted my life.
  I have left my calling unfulfilled...

Lost in a profusion of
  self loathing,
  disgust, disappointment, shame.

'Be still and know that I Am.'

Falling, falling, captured by my own self loathing...

'Be still and know that I Am.'

  Be still
  Be still
  Ohm mani padme hum
  Ohm mani padme hum

'Be who you want to be,
  Follow your path.
  Do what you will.
  You can NEVER disappoint me.

Be still and know that I Am.
  I Am
  I Am
  I Am
  You Are...

What you do or don't...doesn't matter.
  Who you are or not...doesn't matter.
  All that matters it that 
  You Are.

Because You Are,
  I love you.
  You can never 
  disappoint me.'

Ohm mani padme hum
Ohm mani padme hum
Ohm mani padme hum

'Know that I Am.
  Know that You Are.'

Ohm mani padme hum
Ohm mani padme hum

Beauty

18 July 2011

Remember, there is exquisite beauty in this world and life.
  Remember, also, that it differs from the misconstrued image
  painted by our society.

Beauty shines
  on the wings of a bee adorned with pollen,
  in the expectant eyes of a two-year-old,
  on the brow of an aged woman,
  in the sweat of a day's toil,
  on the simple product of inexpert handiwork,
  in the dreams that own your heart,
  on the wings of thought,
  in the courage to step forward into the life that lies before you,
  in the wisdom gained through years of trying, failing and learning,
  in the simple breath that enlivens each and every living being,
  in the hope for tomorrow,
  and the tears for yesterday.

Beauty - all round us - is us - is in our creation.

Change

25 May 2011

So, it would be on this day.
I am here alone, packing those things
that are so very important to me.

The sadness floods in,
the flood gates bulge,
the tears want to flow.

But, I have to keep moving forward.
Some part of me knows that so profoundly -
it is my truth.

To what or where I am moving,
I still have no idea.

I don't know what clothes to keep or
what of my belongings will come with me.

Hollow, alone feeling.
Feeling all alone.

Spirit is Calling

I want to understand the dragon from a new perspective.
  I want to see differently.

I want my mind to evolve, so I can witness these events
  and see something new
  a way forward
  entirely new from paths we've previously trodden
  as humankind.

I feel called to change the molecules in my brain
  to re-wire my neurological pathways
  to re-set the synapses
  to re-fire

there is something different to see
  a new way to understand
  a path forward
  that feels tantalizingly close,
  teasing my curiosity,
  testing my resolve,
  demanding that I clean, clear, open, release

because I get in my own way,
  blind myself to the information coming to me
  lose myself in past pain

Spirit is challenging, calling
  I can hear.
  Can I follow?

the 'Perfect Storm'

Is a dragon not a snake uncoiled?

Venom in its eyes,
  lusting for our death,
  flying great circles above the clouds

to create the tempest
  that smashes against our shores
  tears apart our homes
  and reduces our lives
  to that of simple
  breath.

20 March 2011

The last few days have been difficult for me - mostly emotionally, but also physically.  I awoke with a roaring in my head yesterday.  It lasted five hours and cleared only during yoga.  Any sound I heard amplified the roaring and created echoes inside my head.  Sounds as gentle as taking paper off a toilet roll exploded and vibrated against the inside of my skull.  When people talked, I had to struggle to hear them.

Then, I had a vision of a person tied to the outside of the nuclear reactor, and I saw people swarming in chaos beneath it.

That the beast we have flirted with for so long has finally unleashed its terrible power upon this world is no surprise to me.  It, really, was just a matter of time.  It is taking its course now, fueled by the natural forces that circulate the air and water all round this tiny planet.

We cannot escape the poisons it is already depositing in our bodies.

Every breath, every drink, we ingest the death we thought, in our arrogance, that we could control.

This Day

This day is like no other.

Why?

Because, on this day
  we can stand up and say,
  'Stop!'

And, they will listen.

I Can Feel the Earth Cry

Poisons seeping to her core,
  hiding their wicked nature
  behind the cloak of transparency,
  allowing their carrier to bid forth
  all who thirst.

And then, killing without mercy.

These poisons we release into this earth,
  every day!

EVERY DAY!

My God, we are killing Gia!
  Creatures, blameless of our sins
  succumbing to death

EVERY DAY!

The earth cries out in pain.
  Can you hear it?
  Can you feel it?

We are not separate from
  our mother Gia.
 
We are not separate.

Please

Can we not find in ourselves
  the willingness

  to stop,

  to turn our faces to the
  sorrow created by our actions,

  to use our hands for creation
  and healing?

It is never too late.

Please

con chim nhỏ

You kept calling me back,
  your voice sweet and gentle,
  your spirit quiet,
  your eyes piercing.

I couldn't say 'good night'.
  How can I say 'good bye'
  if I can't even say 'until tomorrow'?

Tears hot against my face,
  I stepped back into your presence,
  and we gazed, once again,
  into each other's soul.

Every day that I see you,
  I feel your anguish,
  the torture of being trapped,
  the profound desire to
  just take flight.

Each day, I resist the urge
  to rip open the doors that
  deny you the life you were born
  to live, to free you from
  the curse of watching
  instead of living.

And, each day,
  knowing I can not release
  you from this hell,
  my heart breaking,
  I bid you farewell until
  our next meeting.

I am so sorry!
I am so very sorry!

It was not a chance meeting,
  you and I.
  That day, I was struggling as
  depression's spiny fingers
  clawed at my heart.

And, there you were.

You seemed to know me
  at first glance.
  And I felt your soul,
  recognized something in you
  reaching beyond the material
  forms that define this plane.

Your bright song and
  curious nature,
  your immediate recognition
  and interest in me
  shone a light
  in the darkness of my heart
  melting the depression
  and leaving there a smile.

We have been friends
  from the first.
  I shall miss you as no other.
  You have captured my heart.

This is my prayer for you.
  One day,  you will
  burst from the cage that
  torments your soul
  and you will fly.

You will fly.

Hanford Nuclear Transformer

Had a lucid dream just now.

I was at the Hanford Nuclear Reactor.

Everything was supposed to be off.

But I wasn't.  I was still on.

I sat inside an oval glass tube
with a dome shaped top
filled with a clear fluid.

My glass tube was on a table,
  with others.

And, I sat, looking out.

I was a transformer.

And, I was on.

Is Not a Billion Dollars Enough?

I don't understand...

Is not a billion dollars enough?

Or even a million.

It seems to me that you can get by
  on a million.

You realize, don't you,
  that as you take more and more,
  others fall further and further
  into destitution.

She is Hungry

I see the woman in the conical hat
  pushing her bicycle
  laden with vegetables
  across the street

hemmed in on all sides
  by motos and cars
  rushing to their destiny

the riders unaware
  of the woman's story.

She rose before daylight,
  prepared rice for her children
  clothed them as best she could
  set them to work in the fields

Then, she harvested the vegetables
  loaded her bicycle
  and rode the 30 minutes into town.

If she did not leave early enough,
  she would not get a valuable spot
  on the street to vend her food.

And, if she could not sell her vegetables,
  her family would go hungry
  yet another day.

The rains came this day,
  keeping all inside
  except this woman,
  who sat with a plastic bag
  on her head,
  waiting
  waiting
  for someone.

No one came this day.
  her vegetables wilting from the heat
  her clothes soaked
  her purse empty

and tonight
  her children's stomachs
  empty

She is everywhere
  on the streets of Viet Nam
  in the fields of the Americas
  in the roundavals of Africa

and she is hungry

I AM

'I am
 the African-American woman
  raising the children of the white family.

I am
  the Mexican farmer,
  laboring now in the fields
  of the Americans.

I am
  the Vietnamese woman
  cleaning the kitchen
  of the wealthy Vietnamese.

I AM.

Do you not see me?
  Can you not feel my pain?
  Are you so lost in the image
  you have created for yourself
  that you can not recognize
  my humanity?

Why do you feel it necessary
  that I toil on your ground
  in order to prove that you
  are, somehow, better?

Why is it okay to treat me
  with less respect than you
  save for your dog?

How do you imagine that
  I feed my children
  on the wages you pay me?

And how do you think
  I can raise my children
  when you require my presence
  15-hours a day?

Can you not prepare your own meals,
  raise your own children,
  clean your own mess?

I don't understand.

I give so much,
  yet, you recognize me not.

And, somehow, in the reduction
  of me, you believe that
  you gain stature and worth.

Is it really true that wealth
  is the measure of human worth?

Interesting that if the toil of labor,
  instead,
  were the measure of worth,
  you would find yourself
  at the
  bottom.

Not that I want to be exalted over you,
  for in doing that, I would be perpetuating
  this violence that you practice against humankind.

No, I don't want that.
  And, I don't need for you to loose
  yourself from your wealth.

But, I do recognize that your worldly
  wealth, and your pursuit of it,
  narrows your vision and constrains
  your ability to find compassion in your self.

I do recognize that your worldly stature
  and your pursuit of it, blinds you to
  the richness that is life,
  the wealth that can not be measured
  in gold or silver.

I feel the pain and emptiness of your soul grow,
  even as your worldly riches expand beyond measure.
  I see a shell of a person, clad in the most royal of clothes,
  with soulless eyes and a heart hardened
  by the necessity of NOT seeing
  the horror that your 'climb to success'
  inflicts on others.'

A wise man once said that it is harder for
  a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven
  than for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle.

Taming the Demons

Today, I awoke with demons
  playing on my mind.

'Who do you think you are,
  writing and sending your thoughts
  out to the world?'

'Your writing isn't at all good.
  Your words do not inspire.
  Your ideas are not new.'

'It would be better to
  silence yourself.
  Step back from the 
  inevitable embarrassment
  due you when all
  discover that you
  are not really 
  a writer.'

For so much of my life,
  these demons held sway
  over my decisions and actions.

Believing always, that I was
  never 'good enough',
  I shared that which is most sacred
  to me - my writing -
  with just a few others.

And, when I found an
  individual who was interested,
  I would inevitably inundate
  that person with verse,
  not able to stop the flow
  of words, the energy
  that cried for form.

It was just this year - after 51-lived-years -
  that I dared to share beyond the few.

Perhaps it is true.
  Perhaps my writing doesn't
  distinguish me as among the greats.

But the words are there,
  they demand release.
  To ask me to stop writing would be like
  asking an eagle to not fly.

Really, our egos have such limited capacity
  to see beyond fear, and in our best interests,
  try to protect us from harm.

But we were not meant to lie dormant
  And, to not use a gift, no matter how small,
  seems a violation against the life force
  within us all.

We are seeds planted in the soil of this life.
  We must reach outside the protective shell
  and venture into that dark, rich soil
  to learn our purpose.

And then, give back.
  Don't question or judge,
  for you can't possibly know the potential
  of the gifts you give.
  Just give back to life.

Only Through the Light

21 December 2010

Crystal bowls;

sound grabs my soul,

pulls me.

Crystal comes from the earth.

Immediately I am in the meadow

standing in awe with all the animals,

listening to the crystal bowls fill the air;

pulsating,

pulling like the moon,

swaying my body,

blowing the grasses,

lifting the hairs on the bear’s back.

Rhythmic, pulsating, alive, throbbing,

echoing through my head, in one ear, lingering, out

and into the other ear.

mesmerized, spellbound;

all of us.

I am flying across the field

into the cave.

Crystal bowls sound bouncing off the walls,

ricocheting in every direction,

reverberating through my soul,

echoing into the dark and rebounding into me

through the hole, white wolf, crone, the shaman await.

Suddenly in the universe, between the stars

I AM

listening – all – to the crystal bowls.

Sound vibrating into space, never ending

Colors, shapes, stars forming, exploding.

The energy envelops me.

I absorb it, wanting more, reveling in the exquisite feeling.

The sun, bright, burning, electric – I am in it – the energy all round,

feeding me, filling me with life, force, power;

explosions hurtle energy through me.

I am filled, ecstatic, lingering, holding, remembering.

The moon

cold, slower energy

pulling.

I am there

feeling the balancing, the quiet, the gentle.

Feel self pulled into the All,

melting into the All,

losing sense of self;

Not ready to go there.

Not ready to let go of self.

Don’t want to lose identity.

Not ready.

Pulled gently, melting;

let go….so far…but not all the way.

All is energy.

All is All.

Harm toward one is harm toward all.

Anger, resentment, outrage at one who oppresses

is anger, resentment, outrage at those who are oppressed

is anger, resentment, outrage at my self.

And fear and darkness grow.

My dark only adds to the dark.

Only through light can the dark be quelled.

Muse at my Side

So, here I sit
  prepared to bear witness to that
  which lies hidden
  and strives to be born.

Oh thou muse,
  such a temptress you are,
  pushing forever for my fingers
  to alight upon the key pad,
  sprinkling words through my mind
  as I stand naked in the shower
  and then allowing them to wash down the drain
  of this menopausal mind;
  now just a feeling,
  and a sense of
  something important
  left unsaid.

I have felt you at my side these past weeks.
  I have sensed your request turn to a demand.
  I have resisted, felt fear, given in and written
  and then played the cycle through again.

Why must I feel these painful emotions
  when you want me to write?
Why must I descend into this place
  so apart from 'reality'
  that I can not focus on even the simplest of
  mundane tasks?

Now, I verge on a commitment to
  write full time for the next weeks.

What does that mean, really?

If I agree to give in to you,
  if I dare to just sit
   and allow you to
   speak through me,
  if I risk my soul and person
   to the vagaries that are you,
   what shall become of me?

Of course, nothing is to be lost
  for there has, as yet, been nothing given.

Music to drown the voices,
  eyes turned inward,
  opening,
  frightened,
  but opening.

Finding you in my soul,
   now dancing lightly across the hard wood floors
   of my past, and
   the dark, quiet, peaceful space fronting my alter.

feel, feel, feel
  write,
  that is all that is asked.

Write.

The Spirit of Creation

The spirit of creation is so amazing, isn't it?

It calls me, and when I finally answer

the words just flow...

one upon another...

creating,

breathing life into little symbols,

connecting the physical to the spiritual.

And, I, the mere scribe,

lose myself in the creation,

watching as words not predetermined by myself

appear on the page,

and then reading them over and again

to understand their meaning.

Spirit is here.

It uses my fingers

to paint the canvass of this page

And I sit, as always,

amazed and breathless.

Practice in This Life Who You Really Are

Wrapped around space,
inside space.

Shapes and then none.
Black, smooth.
Relaxed, so peaceful.
The 'me' defined in this life lets go,
dissipates into pure energy.

Relieved to finally let go of the
tight grasp required to hold human form.

Relaxing, falling into the All.
Peace.
No boundaries, all is one.

'Practice in this life who you are.
Take down the boundaries.
They are artificial.
Your body is an artificial boundary creating separateness.
Your definition of 'I', and 'they', and 'other'...
all artificial boundaries.

The walls to house your body,
the stigma associated with 'I',
the fences putting space between neighbors,
the 'family' putting space between kin of spirit.

It takes enormous energy to hold the separation.
You are not separate by nature,
only by design.'

I felt the power inside me again.
Saw a lion pacing, holding back the enormous power.
Saw a star in its final stages of life, preparing to explode.

Me, holding in the energy.
And then the explosion, the lion pouncing,
and the black hole.

Energy pouring into the black hole,
pulling me in
fear, curiosity, anticipation.

Black, smooth, frenzied, chaotic, perfect.
Creation happening, atoms collecting, disbursing, dancing, experimenting
What will be?

The frenzy of creation, the dance of possibilities,
the space within space,
all hidden inside the black that is the hole,
the bounded energy readying to explode,
the lion ready to pounce,
the energy that is me
ready to burst forth into life.
Life
always life.

The Medicine Bag

4 December 2010

The medicine bag was given to me
  on a flight to Viet Nam.

I sat next to a woman flying home
  to Thailand for her mother's funeral.
  Despite her efforts, she could not
  quiet herself or find rest.

So, I decided to send her healing energy.
  As I sat with my eyes closed,
  I saw her energy and became
  transfixed on infusing it with my own.

Suddenly, all was dark except right

  in front of my heart.
  In the light, I saw multiple hands
  holding a medicine bag.

I realized it was being gifted to me.
  Then, the hands were gone and
  the medicine bag was on me.

It was not the medicine bag
  I had envisioned for myself.
  It was the shape of an oval,
  with a back and a smaller pouch
  about half the size of the back.
  It seemed to be made of beads
  woven into leather.

The pouch looked too small
  to put my fingers in to gather items.
  It also had no cover, so it seemed
  its contents could fall.

As I was gazing at the medicine bag, wondering
  how I would take stuff out of it,
  and how to keep things from falling
  out of it,
  I saw myself breath in from the pouch.
  A beautiful glittering dust arose from the pouch.
  I blew the dust toward my restless travel companion
  and it gently nestled into her energy field.

I continued to focus on sending her healing energy.

Then, I became aware that her mother was there with us.
  She was talking to me.  She was there to guide her daughter
  through the next days and to keep her safe.
  She was sad.
  I told her that after the rites are finished,
  she needs to continue her journey,
  that her children would be safe.
  She raised them well and they would
  care for each other.
  She was saddened, but understood.

'This one', the mother said, 'is special',
  referring to my travel companion.
  'She will be okay too.  She is a leader.
  She will be asked to take her place now.'

Next, I saw a white light descend behind my travel companion and heard,
  'I am with you.'
  Loving, gentle, white light.
  'Rest child, I am with you.'
  I saw the white light reach out and touch
  my travel companion's shoulder.

When I awoke the next day,
  it all seemed a dream.
  I wondered if I should relay
  my experience to my travel companion.

I was concerned it might upset her,
  or be all in my imagination.
  So, I faltered.
  But as soon as I decided not to tell her,
  I heard the mother, 'You must tell her!'

So, I gathered my courage and relayed the mother's thoughts
  to her daughter.
  She was astounded.
  She said I was right, that she was a leader
  and that she needed to play that role now.
  She affirmed everything I had said.

She asked how I knew,
  so I told her that her mother
  had instructed me.

She was so happy and relieved to hear
  about her mother.  She thanked me
  and told me that she felt better.

Quan Yin

Quan Yin - Goddess of Compassion

Divine feminine from the Buddhist tradition.
  What brings you to me,
  or rather me to you?

'I come to you now
  so that you will tell all
  there is hope.

I feel the cries from
  all corners of the earth.
  I feel the hunger
  pains cramping your stomach.
  I feel the thirst
  that drains the life from your body.
  I hear the bomb that shall
  crash upon your home.

I am compassion, mercy, love
  for all humanity.

The tears I shed
  are for you, because of your pain,
  in prayer for your future.

Look up from your sorrow,
  from the pain that defines your day.
  See me shining in the stars
  and in the eyes of 
  a stranger.

And feel, in me,
  a gentle and uncompromising
  love 
  for all that you are.

I shall not leave until 
  each one,
  all, of you
  feel the grace of God
  in your heart
  and the breath of life
  in your soul.
  I shall stand, forever, by your side.

I am Quan Yin, Goddess of Compassion and Mercy.
  You
  are the Divine, embodied now
  in flesh,
  for a brief, but important,
  walk upon this earth.

Know that you never walk alone,
  always I am with you.
  And so you
  with another.

Reach out.
  Feel my compassion
  rush through your open heart
  to another.
  Bask in the preciousness that 
  is love manifest
  in this life.

Together, we will heal
  this broken world
  and hold all
  in love.'

The Great Halls of Sorrow...Part I

11 November 2009

My teacher wanted to do an energy healing with me.
  So, we started.

Immediately, the energy inside me broiled upon her touch,
  swirling, spinning, building, faster, faster, faster,
  mounting like a lion,
  air filling its lungs
  as it lifted its head to roar...

Suddenly, I was in a white palace, marble all round,
  statues, pillars, steps, beauty..
  I was dressed like royalty, and looking down,
  I saw that I was a young man.

Alone, stood I,
  in the middle of this decadence,
 recognizing this place as 'home'.

Great doors stood locked before me,
  the doors to the outside,
  the world of which I was not a part.

Slowly, the doors swung open,
  letting in the dark and a profound sense

  of despair.

Like a wave, the despair rolled over me, filled the room
  and pushed me closer and closer to the outside.

I stepped over the threshold into the darkness
  and saw upon my steps many people,
  splayed, lifeless as if destroyed in battle.

Death surrounded me, yet I saw no blood,
  only bodies as far as my eyes could see.
  Young, old, mothers, fathers, children

lying motionless in the dark.

And then, the anguish set in,
  deep, dark, horrible anguish
  that brought me to my knees
  as if I could feel each and every one
  dying in agony and hopelessness.

Even as the horror of death settled upon me
  I realized that I, alone, was safe
  from the scourge.

Behind colossal locked doors
  I could live in wealth,
  completely unaware of the devastation
  at my doorstep.

And with that realization set in a profound
  sense of shame.

'Why them and not me?'

Shame that I could not help,
  but that I stood helplessly by
  as so many suffered;
  shame that I ate to my fill
  each meal of the day as so many
  longed for just one morsel fallen from my table;
  shame that I was born to so much,
   expected so much,
  when so many were born to little or nothing.

What made me different?
Why me and not them?
Why them and not me?

Alone surrounded by black death
  I stood,
  clad in white and gold,
  sandals of leather,
  jewels marking my rank,
  surrounded by death.

And, the sudden realization
  that I deserved none of what
  I had been given,
  and that these
  deserved none of the black death
  to which they succumbed.

Startled by the cry that came from my lips;
  feeling the tears streaking my face;
  hearing the gentle call of my teacher
  to come back;
  devastated by the vision
  of me/him
  and the guilt
  for having lived when others
  did not.

Prayer for New Found Love

March 2010

Each day, that which is growing between us

gradually reveals itself to me;

almost as if my mind/heart cannot absorb

it more quickly, but must,

become aware slowly.

I sense a need to stay clear within myself

about my wishes and desires

and that which wants to be – in reality.

I can so easily fill in the blanks of the unfinished sentence.

My desires transform quietly into my expectations

of how this is ‘supposed to go’,

and what you are ‘supposed to be or feel’.

And from there, it is a short fall

into a downward spiral of seeing only what I want to see,

failing to honor what is real,

and the inevitable frustration and anger

at the loss of ‘what was supposed to be’.

This is my prayer,

the intention I set for myself.

I truly want to honor you for exactly

who you are and choose to be…

I have learned that my words slide effortlessly

from my fingers onto the page.

I can sense wisdom and transform it into verse.

But, I hope you will remember,

these words are the vision of who I want to be,

the lessons I need to learn,

the goals toward which I strive,

the wisdom I seek to integrate into my being.

I sense that this union with you,

however it ends up being defined,

offers gifts of profound measure.

Already, I can see that your presence in my life is

challenging me to grow in new ways;

offering me opportunities to practice new found wisdom and skills;

asking me to love in the face of fear...

There is a great deal of risk in this

relationship

for me, and you as well.

I want to learn how to recognize fear responses in myself,

to honor them,

and to NOT let them rule my life.

I pray that I find a way to

stay present with you with an open heart,

an agile mind,

a creative spirit,

and a faith that spirit is guiding us

toward something that is life-giving

to us both.

I pray that I can love you

unabashedly and courageously

in the face of uncertainty and fear,

and that I can learn to celebrate

that which grows between us,

        however it defines itself.

The Great Halls of Sorrow...Part II

7 January 2011

The spirits came and asked me to travel.
  They sang and danced, told me it would be safe.

Suddenly, I was in the great hall again.
  I was both the wealthy young man
  and the spirit moving him.

I held him and told him to open the doors.
  He was filled with fear and remorse,
  but gathered the courage to once again
  venture into his grief.

Slowly the great doors swung open
  dark filled the hall
  and with it, the stench of death.

We/I/he walked slowly into the dark.
  Standing on the steps, I saw a
  luminescence around me.

The light wavered when I saw
  the death and felt the destruction,
  but it did not succumb to the darkness.

I found the body of one who had died;
  saw myself lay the body
  on an alter.

I drew the spirit out of the body,
  infused it with my spirit
  and saw light go into it.

I then showed it a portal
  in the heavens and escorted
  it there.

Still there was darkness
  everywhere,
  but the luminescence
  surrounding me
  shown brightly.

And, the young man
  who was me,
  felt, for the first time,
  hope,
  and a reason
  for being.

One Simple Truth

The day draws ever closer
  when I shall leave this place,
  ending this incredible journey
  to Viet Nam.

Perhaps, I'll be back,
  but one can never be sure
  what the future will bring.

Beyond seeing family and friends
  over the holidays
  and a writing sabbatical
  to start off the new year,

I have no idea what comes next.

It is somewhat disconcerting
  to look out and not see
  the breadcrumbs I usually
  toss into my future
  to lead me forward.

I haven't tossed any breadcrumbs
  this time.
  I don't know what breadcrumbs
  to toss,
  nor would I know which way
  to toss them
  if I actually held them in my hands.

None of us ever really knows the future.
  And living as if we do know
  merely dims our awareness
  of that fact,
  providing a sense of comfort
  in the dark of the unknown.

There is a part of me that is fully intrigued
  with this idea of letting the future
  come to me.

Always, I have defined and planned,
  forged my way through the thicket of now
  to arrive at the envisioned future.

So, I am not skilled in this endeavor,
  either intellectually or emotionally.
  Of that I was made humorously aware
  when my response to sitting quietly was to
  plan - in detail - a month-long writing sabbatical!

How do you simply allow spirit?

How do you quiet your mind?

How do you honor your fears without
  giving them control?

How do you really,
  I mean really,
  become quiet
  to hear the call of spirit?

One thing I do know...
  I want to walk the path of Spirit.
  Of that one simple truth, I am certain.

The Alpha and the Omega

Christmas, 1974

Candle light, Strauss, glistening snow, and a 14-year-old girl with a need to write…

The earth cries out in agony and despair as it clings to life with its last bit of strength.

The reason for the vast decaying of mankind had been discovered; but in vain.  It was too late.

It started so plain in view that man looked right at it – and right through it.

All the warnings of possible destruction from the arsenals, the factories, the automobiles and the smoke were to no avail.  None would take these ‘health freaks’ seriously.  So – there was smoke, smog, littering, dumping of wastes into dark, dying lakes and streams….and apathy until that one year.

Man, with his great mind and fantastic achievements was about to witness the total ruin of the earth.  As fast as man’s mind had developed and matured itself up to such a miraculous wonder was as fast as man would watch himself die.

When the first signs showed themselves, man, who could not even bother himself with his own children for fear of precious time loss, had naturally postponed this trivial thing until later.  The problem?  Only a few cattle had died after drinking from a clear lake.

This would not be discussed again until reports were made that irrigated crops in various parts of the world were dying with no apparent reason.  ‘No fishing’ signs were posted more often than not and the wildlife were mysteriously dying.  These incidents aroused some attention from the public, who asked that an inspection take place.

Slowly, with little deliberation, the governments set aside some of their precious time to inspect the problem.  After a total of three weeks of inactive, broken inspection, these happenings were posted as only coincidental.

Life went back to normal.  People went on living as before and critics kept on writing and warning.  But even those with the wildest imaginations could not conceive the whole population of all the earth being totally wiped out.

Meanwhile a bacteria that had somehow formed from the mixtures of the pollutants grew and spread as fast as if death itself was chasing it.  It’s victims at first were the occasional animals that drank from it’s water home and the plants which received it from irrigation.  It spread like wildfire, contaminating every bit of water it was transmitted to, and in turn contaminating and killing living beings – beasts and men.

Within six months after the first dead cattle had been found a third of the world’s population had been wiped out.

The government heads, now seeing there was a serious problem, went to work searching for the reason and the source.  During this time signs were posted on billboards all over the world reading thus; 'The department of health has declared all bodies of water around the world unhealthy and possibly harmful to anyone who goes in or near them.'

There were two stages in this development; 1) spreading of the bacteria to all known and unknown bodies of water throughout the entire world, and 2) the waiting…the short waiting period where the remainder of the plants and animals died and the half crazed people ran to the forbidden water to have ‘just one last drink’.

And now after almost the whole population is dead, a dying scientist sees the answer.

It is there and it is gone – so – his life.

The death bell has rung and has taken its toll.

When the last form of life is gone the sun comes out as never before parching and shriveling the earth with it’s stinging, harsh rays.  There is nothing now, no form of life anywhere.

All is brown and dead….all dead.

There is a silence in the world.  A muteness that is so loud, it seems to explode in your mind.  There is not a baby crying or a person screaming; not a sparrow singing or a lion roaring.  It is so still you could hear a butterfly perching on a flower.  All has ceased to exist.  Even the wind has silenced itself in this victory of mankind over himself.  The power of death has overcome.  Man with his superior mind and incredible achievements has unintentionally disregarded his own human needs and thus has destroyed himself….silence…

Wait!  What is this?!  

It comes almost minute at first but then it grows and grows.  Soon the tears of remorse from heaven over a lost love fall to the earth, bouncing off the dried  withered remnants and shattering into a million, dancing sparkles of glistening sun-drops; not black and soiled, but clear and pure and alive.

The dry, cracked earth is much surprised as these wonderful bits of life share their gift with it, but it soaks it up and asks for more – and… receives it.

It rains….and it pours.

As the sky clears a sudden radiant light appears.  It is a dove – pure and white and shinning with beauty – carrying in its mouth a small, green twig.  The dove gently drops the twig and when it touches the earth, it infects the earth with a contagion that seems to affect the whole earth; only this time the contagion is life.

Feeble, young plants peak out from the sullen earth and are almost scared away, but the warmth of the sun and the nourishment of God’s tears encourage them to take on life.  Shinning as brightly as they can, they stand up to death and beat it.  Soon the earth explodes with color and life while the oceans fill themselves with cool, living, clear water.

Then comes the almost chaotic excitement as the animals start out their new life.  As instinct pulls these habitual creatures into a forgotten routine of life, you can see such sights as the king of beasts stalking its unsuspecting prey and the tiny hummingbird flying through the air at a speed three times its own intricate body size. 

In the midst of all this commotion there is a chorus of high-pitched screeches which stops the animals in their places.  The trumpeters, which act as the alarm device of nature, usually warned of a coming disastrous event, such as fire or a flood, which the animals responded to by fleeing from the foe.  But this time there is something in the air that tells the animals not to run, not to be frightened.  Not one beast moves so much as to twitch an ear as they stand staring in awe and wonderment at the creatures before them.

Joined hand in hand, the two stand silently.  Their naked bodies are sturdy and strong; their faces that of beauty.  And in their glimmering eyes there is a shining love and a determination that will last till the end…and after.

‘And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good.’

More than Social Justice

2009

It’s about more than social justice.

It’s about healing the pain;

  easing the suffering;

  breathing precious life into the sorrowful soul;

  transforming despair into hope;

  manifesting God in all that we are and do;

  allowing love to shine through us to bring joy into this world.

It’s never over, only just begun, tiny steps leading to small recoveries.

It’s worth every step, all the uncertainty, the mistakes and misguided notions;

  to live, to love, to give back;

  always to give back

  to life, 

  in thanks

  for life.

That’s all.

That’s everything.

Turn the Key

Why is it that we raise some on pedestals
  that far surpass their very real humanity?

What is this need to assign larger-than-life
  attributes to these people?

We each can name those whom
  we esteem above all others.
  From my own life experience,
  I would name
  Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Theresa,
  Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela,
  Siddhartha Guatama Buddha...

Please know that these thoughts,
  in no way,
  are meant to disrespect these people.
  In fact, I feel a deep reverence and gratitude for
  the messages they brought to us all.

They are heroes to me.
  They inspire me to seek that
  within myself which can strive to live
  the wisdom they taught.

But I, like so many others,
  feel compelled to ascribe to them
  more than the mere humanity
  that defines us all.

I want them to be more than human,
  to be divine in some way...

This drive to set these people apart
  is what I question.

Why, I wonder, do I/we have this need?

I realize I can't answer that question
  for anyone other than myself.
  I think, I want to know there is more
  than what the drab and sometimes frightening
  everyday life experience offers,
  that there are beings who, somehow,
  can rise above the challenges
  that so frequently drive me to my knees.
  I want to know that there is hope for the simple
  likes of me.

These people fill a void in myself,
  answer the demons inside who whisper
  my failings, my ineptitude, my inability
  to rise above that which I see in the mirror.

Perhaps, if I can never be more than I am,
  I can venerate these people,
  see in them and in their lives,
  that which I can never envision for myself.

And that may,
  just may,
  give me peace.

I recognize, however,
  an error in that logic, those emotions.
  And in not questioning this error, I believe
  that I disrespect one of the critical lessons
  these people brought for me.

It is this.
  These people were human.
  They were plagued with their own demons,
  just like me.
  They struggled with life events,
  just like me.
  They lived day-to-day,
  just like me.

But, more importantly,
  rather MOST importantly,
  I believe that through their living
  as real human beings,
  they demonstrated
  that 'mere mortals' can reach
  incredible heights
  of human development.

This gift is for all of us,
  not just a select few.

This gift is for
  ALL
  of us.

Who am I...really?
  What is the highest, most developed,
  being into which I can grow
  in this lifetime?

Who are you...really?
  What is the highest, most developed,
  being into which
  you
  can grow in this lifetime?

What is the greatness that lies
  inside
  your soul,
  waiting to be born
  through your life?

Seek it,
  trust it,
  believe
  the divine resides
  in you,
  know
  that it waits for you
  to turn the key.

A Legacy for our Children

I have begun the process of saying
  'good-bye' to my Vietnamese friends.

It is sad, as I have no idea where life will lead next,
  nor whether it will bring me back to this place.
  So, I am mindful that when I say, 'farewell',
  it may be for the last time.

And, that makes the moment ever more
  sacred.

I am a foreigner in this land.
  My pale skin and white hair
  demarcate me as an 'other'.

The culture, spirituality, history and politics
  so vastly differ from my own
  that at times, I find myself totally lost and confused.

I do not know Vietnamese,
  having found it a very difficult
  language to learn.

Yet, placing me, a foreigner,
  in this place has created a strange and wonderful juxtaposition
  of distinctiveness and likeness.

It's almost as if the two halves of the brain
  have been rejoined,
  east and west,
  both incomplete without the other.

And even as I struggle to understand
  some things which perhaps will forever
  elude me,
  I recognize the human face of Viet Nam
  and I see the fear, love, compassion,
  struggles, concerns, ideas and dreams
  that bind all humanity as one.

How is it that we can, at once,
  be so dissimilar and so alike?

How is that, across the vast barriers
  of language and culture and history and politics,
  we can understand each other?

Yet, it happens.
  I am blessed to witness it here
  in my own life.

And, it gives me hope for tomorrow
  and for us all.

The forest is rich because it hosts
  vast diversity in a shared eco-system.

We, too, become rich as we learn to
  celebrate that vast diversity that is
  humanity.

Now, that is a legacy to leave our children!

Being Human

Laughing in spite of my self
  and reminded that I am,
  for this spirit walk,
  very human!

I seek wisdom,
  search for deep understanding,
  endeavor to live by higher precepts...

But always,
  I face my own countenance
  when I gaze into a mirror.

The most recent manifestation
  of this propensity to be human?

Faced with the uncertainty of
  a future unknown,
  I felt it necessary
  to sit in quiet
  to reflect and to
  not
  rush to plans.

I was successful in that
  endeavor for
  almost a day!

Since then, I have planned
  two trips and the next 3 months
  of my life.

ah well...
  so much for sitting with the unknown!

There is, in this so real example
  of my humanity,
  at least one important lesson
  for me.

That is,
  in seeking wisdom
  and striving to mature
  into that wisdom,
  there is:

  the need for
  acceptance of who
  and where I am right now;

  the need for a gentle humor
  regarding my own falllibilities;

  the need for compassion
  in the process and struggle
  of learning;  and

  the need for self love.

So, now that I sit in the
  contrived comfort of
  extending the unknown
  a little further into the future,

I will endeavor once more
  to sit quietly
  and listen for the
  call of Spirit.

Remember

I Am come to bring you peace.
Through the energetic field
of the masters
I encompass the earth,
all of life,
with chi,
regularly flowing
 in and out

breathe deeply
infuse your earthly body
with the magic that is life
feel the energy of
Me
rush through your veins
feel it tingle against your skin
know that I Am here,
present
always
among you
within you
as you

Remember who you are.

Remember

Remember

purple blues streaking through the starlit sky
all held gently
in love
by the Creator,
the All

physical melting into energy
boundaries melting into oneness
you into me into us
gently
sweetly
peacefully

now light, floating
touching, kneeling

the gentle hand reaching inside
caressing the ravaged heart
quieting the rampaging mind
reaching, reaching, reaching
to the soul

holding it,
reminding it
who it is,
really

letting go
letting fall
into
oneness

peace

beauty

one

spirit mingling with flesh
penetrating flesh
merging with flesh
invigorating flesh
animating flesh

setting forth

for another journey incarnate
to live, to learn, to experience

to give back
always to give back
in thanks, in gratitude,
in honor.

find the oneness
in our separateness

find the oneness
that is our
All.

find it,
hold it,
revere it

remember

remember
remember

be, witness, express
beauty, kindness, compassion, love

live life as a poem
create
love
always love

and remember
always remember
you are more than you can see, hear, touch, feel

you are

Standing on the Blank White of a New Page

Standing on the blank white of a new page.

When did I turn it?

The last page was so full, so rich.
I was so alive in it, with it, of it.
And suddenly, here I am.

There is a starkness to the openness.
It is frightening.
I want, quickly, to fill it.

But, I hear,
'Wait.
'Wait.
Stay a moment here
on this blank white page.'

Why am I so frightened of the open space?
Why does my mind rush to fill it with tasks, thoughts, plans, ideas...?

So, rather than rush forward,
I will look back, reflect on the journey
that has taken me to this new page.

Four years ago, I set purposefully upon a path.
I entered deeply into the final stage
of preparation for this journey.

My children almost adults,
my education complete,
my finances in order.

Now, the call to the most difficult
step in the preparation...
to seek inside myself.

Cleanse, clear, heal, breathe.

For a month, I meditated in front of my alter,
leaving only to fulfill worldly obligations,
determined to sit with my demons,
give them space to be heard,
learn to love and honor them...

Cleanse, clear, heal, breathe.

So profound, so painful,
they emerged
one by one,
sometimes all at once,
to make their petitions,
to state their claims,
to rant and ravage my heart.

Deeper and deeper I fell
into the corners of my heart and soul
that had succumbed to darkness,
and therein I dwelled
to heal, to find peace,
to learn to love
the darkest parts of myself.

Cleanse, clear, heal, breathe.

This clearing lasted through the entire four years.

In the first year of the cleansing
I was visited with what then felt
as a scourge, a tormentor,
a vicious demon intent on
my descent into madness.

I learned it was Kundalini energy.
It rose in me unbidden and without welcome.
And, it persisted,
refusing to leave the body that it so controlled
or let loose the mind it was devastating.

The energy infused my body for weeks on end
causing havoc, leaving me unable to function
or think.

It could not be ignored,
would not be controlled,
won always my battles to
eradicate it.

Occasionally, in the fight to survive
this beast, I would experience
energy rush up my spine and
shoot out my crown chakra,
creating a sensation of exquisite perfection,
a melding of this reality with the All,
a drive to create, always to create.

The Kundalini energy has stayed with me
all these years,
at times seeming to sleep quietly
as if in waiting,
at others rising
in various forms.

I have learned that it is a teacher.
So now I don't fight it,
but look for that to which it is directing me.

Mostly now, it comes as energy
rushing up my spine and shooting
out my crown chakra,
or lingering in my throat chakra.

I am to write.
When I write, the energy
moves from my throat chakra,
and bursts out my crown chakra.

If I ignore the call to write,
it settles in my root chakra,
turning from muse into tormentor.

So, I write.

Something Raw and Unfinished

Just yesterday started to seriously consider
  returning to my home state to visit.

I haven't been there since my father died in 2000.

Then, it occurred to me...
  since I was going all that distance,
  why not stop in to see the town in which
  I spent my childhood?

The idea of visiting this tiny town is intriguing, first
  because never before now have I had
  the resources or time to make this trip.

But, more importantly,
  this feels to me as some kind of
  completion.

It's been 38 years since I set foot
  in that town.
  Yet, it still haunts my dreams.

What I didn't expect in considering this journey
  is the emotions it would trigger.
  This is not just stepping back in time.
  It is something more,
  something fundamental,
  raw, unfinished...

but what?

Letting Go to Let Be

20 May 2011

It's strange, Dragonfly,

Though excitement and happiness fill the landscape around me,
  there enters quietly a deep sadness,
  asking me to fall into it.

I can not go there.

I am preparing to leave everything and everyone I know,
  on a journey to which I committed so very long ago,
  and not just to myself, but to God.

I must go.  I am called.
  There, really, is no choice,
  not if I am to be who I am supposed to be
  in this life.

I think the sadness emanates from that place
  of saying 'goodbye'...again.
  Though my love for all of you will remain always,
  we will not be in each other's daily lives.
  We will walk our own paths.

With all of you, that is a painful future in my heart,
  but with my children, it is extremely difficult.

Still, I must go.

So, I cannot let myself fall into the sadness
  as it has the power to stop me from fulfilling my destiny.

I need to find a way to love you all
  and still respond to this sacred commitment
  I made to God.

Awaiting the Call

22 May 2011

I have felt this energy inside me,
  wondered about its purpose.

I believe deeply that I wouldn't be experiencing things now
  if I wasn't in some way supposed to use them,
  to gift them back to life.

I am not frightened.

I am being pulled forward by a light,
  a light that shines so brightly, but doesn't tell me
  exactly what I'm supposed to be doing or where I'm supposed to be going.

There is something here I'm supposed to learn, to develop, to prepare...
  I am sensing my learning must occur quickly now.
  Time is of the essence.

I am open, ready to learn, to see...

  Everything is important, all must be witnessed, explored, queried.

It is all coming together now.
  I am clear this is the path forward.
  I am committed to it with all of who I am,
  my heart, my soul, my mind...
  everything

It is why I am here.

Answers to a Question Yet Unasked

23 May 2011

My Personal Vision

Walking a spiritual path in this life is of paramount importance to me.

This must define all that I do:

the work I select, the way in which I approach that work,

the life I live each day, the love I bring into my life...all of it.

I am here to create beauty, to offer compassion and love, to bring light.

THAT I envision being reflected in every breath that I take.

It is so amazing!

  I have been seeking the way in which I

  can make a contribution to this life,

  to give back.

  I was told I have the answers inside me.

I just had a realization.

  A prayer given to me three years ago

  has in it the answers to the question

  I am now asking!

The prayer was called, 'To Me, Through Me'.

  In the prayer, I experienced God sending energy into me.

  I was to hold it to my heart and feel its healing powers.

  Then, I was to let it flow out of me

  to another, to the world, to wherever

  it needed to go.

Through that sacred dance, we each would be healed.

I just saw it...

  I need to draw in the healing energy to strengthen my body,

  to prepare it to be a vessel to hold whatever energy will come into it;

  and to prepare it to be a conduit - to allow that energy to flow out of me

  to another, to the universe.

My body is a vessel

  to be filled and emptied

  with the purpose of healing.

Perhaps my work won't involve

  individual healing.

  Perhaps, it will be healing on a 'higher' order

  (not in terms of importance, but in terms of numbers of people affected),

  like through writing, for example.

Dispiriting Energy

26 May 2011

In the wee hours of dawn, the fear and sadness that have been trying to settle into my spirit descended.  I was overcome by it all.  So, I decided to journey.  I descended through the tree, hugging myself in a fetal position and guarding my exposed heart.  When I came into the spirit world, I didn't know who to ask for help, so I just asked for help.  All my spirit guides were there and reaching out to me.  The Alchemist took my heart and gently placed it back inside my body.  Then, he placed one hand on my chest and the other on my back and held me.

I 'heard' that I should pull the fear out of me.  So, I placed my hands on my chest and abdomen.  I felt the familiar tingling in my my hands.  Then, I felt energy swirling around inside me, like a twister, with its peak rising to my hands.  It was pulled from inside my body into my hands, like metal dust to a magnet.  The fear and loneliness dissipated from my body, leaving it clean and clear.  I have done this many times before.  I first used it a few years back to quell panic attacks that threatened to turn me inside out.

So, I wonder...  Are fear and loneliness more than just emotions?  Are they dispirited energy?

I just found that term - dispirited - it means to discourage or dishearten, which taken literally is to dis courage and dis hearten.  The 'dis' is the taking away of courage and heart.

So, when energy that is not life giving resides in your body, it, in fact, is dispiriting.  The questions I'm left with after this experience...Are emotions really just energy?  And is ridding your body of dispiriting energy as easy as pulling it out of you?

Let Them Go

28 May 2011

There are so many emotions.

Allow them, feel them, honor them,
  glean their lessons,
  let them go.

Their nature is fluid; they need to flow.
  If they are stopped up inside one,
  they become stagnant
  and their life-giving nature transmutes to a life-draining force.

If they are allowed to flow,
  they follow their natural course,
  visiting the human soul, endowing their gifts,
  and then moving on in the continual flow of life.

They are part of the universe,
  a vital part of the chi,
  the energy of life.

They belong to the universe
  and must return with our blessings.

Allow them, feel them, honor them,
  glean their lessons,
  let them go.

Walk Lightly, Breath Gently

30 May 2011

This morning, I awoke being told to let everything fall away, all attachments...to people, things, ideas, emotions...all of it.  I did, searching ever more deeply within my soul, discovering attachments, letting them go, feeling lighter and lighter.  Finally, I transformed into light and merged with El.

I could see 'it' all - the earth, my family, life, the universe.  I was all of 'it'.  I am 'it', but I am not 'it'.  I was asked to remember that I am not my actions, my skills, my roles...I am so much more than that, but I am that too.  What I am on this plane is sacred because that is the reason I am here.

Walk lightly, breath gently, witness, write, love...

There is a 'knowledge' inside me, instructing me on what to do next.  I don't understand it, nor am I analyzing it...just responding.  This is about the light.  There is nothing else for me, that I want...even though I get pulled by 'career', 'publishing', 'money', that is not it for me.  There is something else.  I am listening...

1 July 2011

Looking out, you are immersed in this 'reality'.
  Looking in, you see All that is.

From within comes the wisdom
  to act with grace from without.

Yet We Try

1 July 2011

Life

It's not always as clear as our 'rules of thumb' would have us believe.

Soon as our precepts are born, life strives to thwart them;
  for it can not be contained, nor will it be defined,
  by the likes of its own creation.

20 May 2011

I feel the spiritual compass inside me dancing on true North.

The Call Foretold

6 June 2011

White Wolf meets me at the tree.
  We are flying in the universe.

Wolf flies in a circle;
  so fast, he becomes a blur of white;
  soft, white rays falling from the blur.

My hands are buzzing;
  My body is weak;
  I am dizzy, woozy.

'Pay attention!' he shouts.

Wolf is speeding up now.

'Do not hesitate!

Do not be fooled by fear.
  Face forward.
  It will fall in place behind you.

You must move forward.

It will be something
  which feels beyond you.
  You must go.
  Step into it.

You cannot understand.
  You will not know fully
  what is asked of you,
  nor will your ability to respond
  be immediately evident.

But it will come.

The energy, the mind, the heart;
  all will be used.

Recognize fear - love and honor it.
  But do not let it lead.

Watch me, follow me.
  Stay close.'