'Reclaim your voice'
'Explore, imagine'
'Find possibilities'
'Watch, learn'
'Withhold judgment'
The stage on which I was to
experiment with this lesson
was the stage of my search
for employment.
After months of seeking,
writing applications,
and receiving rejection letters,
an opportunity opened.
So, I gathered the courage
and decided to heed Spirit's call.
exploring possibilities and
imagining futures.
I found my voice and was elated
to hear it ring clearly and confidently
in the presence of those with whom
I might share a future.
I watched my colleagues.
I witnessed the experience unfold.
I held back judgment and was awed by
how that cleared my vision
and my ability to stay present.
And, I dreamed.
What could that future look like?
What would be the things we could create together?
How could my gifts emerge in this collaborative?
The ideas sprang forth, barely giving me time
to record them before more pressed for attention.
The feeling of being in community with these people
swept over me.
The experience of gifting back to life through
this opportunity filled me with gratitude and
an excitement I could barely contain.
But I was one of six, and only two would be selected
to walk the path with this wonderful group of people.
So, I waited, anticipated, dared dream, explored, imagined...
And then the letter came.
'Thank you for your application.
We have selected another.
Our best wishes to you in your search.'
'We have selected another.
We have selected another.
We have selected another...'
Like a mantra, these words played over and again
in my mind as I watched the dreams, the ideas,
the images, the possibilities explode
and dissolve into nothingness,
leaving a heart suspended in midair.
And then, I watched my heart quiver momentarily
before its fall.
It's been a week now, the first days a blurr,
the last a slow recovery from the fall,
the recent memory still capable of
bringing tears to my eyes.
This is not the first time I have struggled to find work.
Rather, it has been a recurrent theme in the last decade of my life.
So, I approached this iteration with some trepidation,
but also with a desire to not let the difficulties of the past
hinder my ability to step once again onto this rocky path.
And, I believed the wisdom shared by my Spirit Guides.
'Spread your wings'
'Reclaim your voice'
'Explore, imagine, find possibilities'
'Watch, learn'
'Withhold judgment'
However, the experience of totally opening my heart to dream
and then witnessing it crash when the dream didn't materialize
has given me pause.
These are the experiences that lure us into protective stances...
'This is why you shouldn't dream. It may not happen, and then what?'
so
'I'm not going to allow myself to dream.
I'm going to limit the energy I invest in imagining.
I'm going to pronounce judgment...first, before them.'
I can, and have made this choice in the past.
And, it did affect who I was and how I experienced life.
It's like holding your hand on a drum head when you beat it.
The reverberation so essential to the sound of the drum is stilled,
resulting in a dull thud where there should be a call to the gods.
Though my heart wants to shrink at the memory of this recent crash,
I want to find a different lesson in this experience,
one that includes keeping my heart open.
So, I went to the ocean to heal.
I played my drum without reserve while dancing in the waves.
The magnificent oceanic energy merged with the beat of my drum,
inviting me to live fully and without reserve, to dance with abandon,
to let my drum sing to the world and the sky and the gods.
Yes, living with an open heart means the pain
will be as vivid as the ecstacy.
But, it is living fully, being alive, being here in this moment
for all the moments I am bequested on this life journey.
This is my choice today.
'Spread your wings'
'Reclaim your voice'
'Explore, imagine, find possibilities'
'Watch, learn'
'Withhold judgment'
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