Kundalini and My Father

11 November 2010

I had a realization last night. I know where the Kundalini came from. It started in May of 2010. I arrived back from Zimbabwe in April. In the last days of my sojourn there and the first weeks back, I submitted a request to the ancestors to petition my father to let me go so that I could discover my full spiritual gifts. The Kundalini started just weeks after.

The Kundalini came on suddenly and with incredible strength. I thought I was going crazy.  Nothing could resolve the burning inside me, the energy storm in my body.  Every day, it intensified, came more frequently, became more disabling.  I spent much time in the beginning, soaking in the tub, running, crying, meditating, feeling like I was falling into madness, not understanding.  

During those initial days, I drew a card – that of the snake. It talked about transformation – that I was going through a transformation. I accepted that, but did not relate it to the crazy energy in my body.  It was then that my teacher suggested that perhaps it was Kundalini energy rising. I did a bit of research on Kundalini and found it is related to a snake – my card. 

But, the energy was dominating my existence, and I quickly became frustrated with the research.  I had very little patience for anything and felt desperate to stop the craziness inside me.  

The episode in June lasted weeks, was incredibly intense and painful.  I call them episodes because once they started, they would last anywhere from several days to several weeks, changing only in severity.  The energy seemed to be born from, and dwelled in, what I now know is my Root Chakra.  Here is how I described it at that time,

'The Kundalini is recurrent in terms of the intense energy; the extreme discomfort and sometimes pain; the inability to resolve it; the explosions out the top of my head; the clarity and openness afterward; the intense flux of numerous ‘understandings’ and realizations coming so fast that I barely have time to register them much less integrate them intellectually; the feelings of depression; the need for lots of sleep; the buzzing throughout my body; the disorientation and ‘spaciness’; the inability to focus on paid work; the need for alone time….'

Within days of first experiencing the energy, I met a new spirit guide, the Crone.  She was an elderly woman with white hair, wearing Native American clothing.  Soon after, I met the White Wolf.  I started to turn to my spirit guides and did some research on Kundalini energy. It got me through the episode in June.

In the last 5 months, I have made small advances in ‘working with’ and ‘being with’ this process.  I have been able to move the energy with my hands. I have been able to move it to places on my body that were hurting and use it to heal. I think I understand part of why the energy gets stuck in my root chakra. I realized last night what started it all. It didn’t come out of the blue. It was gifted to me as a result of the request I made to my father to stop protecting me so that I could walk my path.

One day, as I lay in the tub, it started again. I decided to let go, so I focused on breathing and being quiet. I was able to do it for a while, but then was overcome by it and started crying again. The next day, I tried again. I meditated and became quiet; when I felt centered, I invited it back. I felt the familiar burning in my Root chakra and the rising of the energy into my torso. I imagined my outward breath collecting under the energy and gently pushing it upward. I imagined my inward breath pulling the energy up into my head. After a bit, I felt it rise up through my body. As it did, my body moved to straighten out the spine and my head pulled back. I felt the energy rise into my head. It met with the white energy I was pulling in through the Crown Chakra. My entire body buzzed, gentle, beautiful, quiet, peaceful. I don’t know how long that lasted. Each breath created the experience anew. When it finally receded, my entire body was tingling – for a very long time.

That was the break through. After that, I started to - occasionally - experience the energy as a companion and assistant, working on chakras and emotions that were ‘off’, sending tingling sensation throughout my body, leaving my arms numb….every day, night.

But in the last days, I have become depressed. Lots of negative energy that I can’t seem to dispel – negative thoughts and feelings that run rampant through my mind. I can see them and want to stop them, but can’t seem to do it.
------------------------
3 November 2012

It is two years now since I wrote that journal entry.  I smile because I understand now why my father was protecting me from taking that journey.  You see, my father is one of my spirit guides.  He passed in the year 2000, after a life-time of giving back to every soul that crossed his path.

He was a great man in my eyes, my first hero.

And being his only daughter, I believe he felt a particular need
  to protect me from the vagaries and potential dangers of life.
  Even so, when I was just 19 and demanded that I would hike - alone -
  into the woods, he gathered the courage to walk with me part way,
  and then watch as I marched up the hill.

Many years later, I met a shaman in Zimbabwe, Fungai,
  who knew both me and my father,
  without ever having met us.

For some time, I had been experiencing many different
  things; hearing people's thoughts, 'knowing' when something
  was going to happen, feeling another peering through my eyes,
  communicating with spirits...

But, it all felt like a taste-test, a tease,
  as the experiences were not consistent,
  didn't seem to be melding into anything
  that I could 'hold' - as if you can hold spirit?!

Yet, I felt like I was being held back,
  like something was stopping me from
  moving to the next place on this journey.

Then, I met Fungai, and he told me of my father.
  It was then that I realized that my father,
  in his love for me, was protecting me.
  He was stopping me.

That is when I asked Fungai to petition the ancestors
  on my behalf, to ask my father to
  let me go, to let me walk my path.

And, once again, my father who now had 
  sight beyond a mere mortal,
  let me go.

He was right in trying to protect me.
  The journey with Kundalini did bring me to my knees, 
  and dangled me on the edge of madness.

But, he was also right in letting me go.
  This is the path I must walk.
  And, I thank him again,

my father, the sage, my spirit guide,
  Pastor Olaf Elmar Magis.