on a very particular lesson, namely, how
to gracefully let go of things not meant for me.
Opportunities for me to explore, practice and learn
from this lesson have been manifold in my life of late,
so much so that I feel like an undersized boxer in the ring
with a leviathan who takes delight in using me as a bouncing ball.
I've moved diligently through my classic
stages of response to this recent bout with Spirit, from
'OK, we're working this together,' to
'Ummm, what am I missing?' to
'OK, I'll push harder,' to
'What is going on here?' to
'OK, I'll try a new approach, a different perspective, a creative idea, any idea...' to
'It's getting scary down here!' to
'Damn you spirit! I am gonna do this on my own!' to
'I can't believe this is happening?! ...and, I'm still pissed!' to
'How far will this go? OMG! Is that the bottom approaching?'
And, Spirit doesn't let up.
I like to think that Spirit keeps up the pressure
because I can handle it, I'm up for this lesson, I won't crack.
But then, I did crack.
For days, I couldn't get through a sentence
without dissolving into tears. The insults to my ego
rushed in without pause, layering one upon the other
so that, blood rushing into my eyes and head spinning,
it was all I could do to simply stand.
And, through it all, these words resonated
like cosmic background noise...
'It matters how gracefully
you let go of things
not meant for you.'
So, with each hope thwarted, I endeavored
to the best of my wavering ability to recognize
and accept that 'it' wasn't meant for me,
and then to let go of 'it'.
There are so many levels to this lesson...
Recognizing when something really isn't meant for you..
Accepting that it was not meant for you, just accepting.
Staying close to the truth and not creating false storylines.
Letting go of it...really, in all ways.
Facing forward, free from attachments to it.
But, what if the 'its' that aren't for you pile up
into a mountain over which you can no longer see?
What if the pile of 'not meant for you's becomes so
enormous that you are forced to ask an even deeper question?
But, let me put this into real terms before
I dissolve into the abstractness of my own thoughts.
The real-life exemplar is me trying to find work.
The 'it's are each of the many jobs for which I have applied
this last year. The 'not meant for you's are the rejection letters.
The mountains are, first, the pure volume of rejected applications.
And secondly, they are the mounds of rejections from every sector,
every level of every position, even from applications to volunteer.
And, by the way, how does one get rejected as a volunteer?!
It has been nothing short of a complete 'shut out'.
Isn't that what they call it in sports? 'No contest.' 'Out.'
I should be careful with sports analogies.
You get the point, though, right?
So, getting back to the 'being forced to ask a deeper question' thought..
Perhaps the lesson surpasses that of letting go of individual incidents.
Facing a total 'shut out', I wonder if I am missing a cardinal principle.
So, I try to re-visualize the panoptic theme of this life-lesson...
What, really, am I being asked to let go?
Perhaps, I'm not supposed to make a living with my doctorate.Perhaps, I'm supposed to work a noncareer job so that I can write.
Perhaps, my skills aren't those desired in the marketplace. That's a no-brainer.
Perhaps, I'm not supposed to offer my working life to address humanitarian needs.
Perhaps, I'm just supposed to be happy and it doesn't matter what I do for work.
Perhaps, I'm supposed to experience homelessness and poverty and write about it.
And, then my understanding of the basic question evolves...
What does it mean to 'let go'?
How do I know if I really 'let go'?
What does 'letting go' look like?
How am I different when I've been successful at 'letting go'?
And in the middle of all this, Spirit ups-the-ante.
Without warning, I meet a soulmate, on this plane?!
And even as I become aware of this most incredible fact,
I am reminded...
being soulmates does not mean
that you will walk together in this life.
And, if you do share some part of this journey,
it doesn't dictate the particular path you will walk.
The soul is bound to the flesh,
so our paths are created by our steps.
Intentions we set prior to this incarnation
are not predestined to manifest in a particular way.
They are, quite simply, the pebble cast in the pond.
The outcome of our meeting is dependent,
not on the hopes of our immortal selves,
but on the decisions we make here, now.
So, I meet a soul mate and quickly learn
that she does not feel the connection as do I,
and that she desires, rather, to turn inward
and be with those dear ones already in her life.
And, I am asked once again to accept that walking with
this soulmate is 'not meant for me.' I'm asked to 'let go'.
And, putting the proverbial 'icing on the cake',
I am asked to 'let go with grace'.
Up to now, assimilating the 'letting go' lesson has been difficult.
But this particular iteration of learning has come with a surprising twist.
It has been incredibly powerful, awesome, inspiring and uplifting.
Something clicked as I watched this soulmate walking away.
It was a deep understanding that some things,
some people, really aren't meant for me.
Trying to forcefit them destroys beauty,
creates harm, and never ever works.
Letting go, on the other hand,
allows you to recognize and relish
the gifts that really are offered in that moment.
The exquisite gift of meeting a soulmate in this life IS for me.
Feeling the profound and ageless love for a soulmate IS for me.
Knowing that she is out there and being able to bless her walk IS for me.
And then there's the grace in letting go.
That's a whole other aspect of the lesson
Spirit is asking me to absorb into my being.
And then there is transforming the letting go into a act of grace.
To act with an elegance, a gentleness, a compassionate heart,
and a 'go with God' frame of mind.
One is asked to love even as one accepts what is not meant to be.
So, I still have no job or income.
And, the soulmate I only just met is not here.
But, I believe I am starting to get this lesson.
And for that, I am eternally grateful.
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