11 November 2009
My teacher wanted to do an energy healing with me.
So, we started.
Immediately, the energy inside me broiled upon her touch,
swirling, spinning, building, faster, faster, faster,
mounting like a lion,
air filling its lungs
as it lifted its head to roar...
Suddenly, I was in a white palace, marble all round,
statues, pillars, steps, beauty..
I was dressed like royalty, and looking down,
I saw that I was a young man.
Alone, stood I,
in the middle of this decadence,
recognizing this place as 'home'.
Great doors stood locked before me,
the doors to the outside,
the world of which I was not a part.
Slowly, the doors swung open,
letting in the dark and a profound sense
of despair.
Like a wave, the despair rolled over me, filled the room
and pushed me closer and closer to the outside.
I stepped over the threshold into the darkness
and saw upon my steps many people,
splayed, lifeless as if destroyed in battle.
Death surrounded me, yet I saw no blood,
only bodies as far as my eyes could see.
Young, old, mothers, fathers, children
lying motionless in the dark.
And then, the anguish set in,
deep, dark, horrible anguish
that brought me to my knees
as if I could feel each and every one
dying in agony and hopelessness.
Even as the horror of death settled upon me
I realized that I, alone, was safe
from the scourge.
Behind colossal locked doors
I could live in wealth,
completely unaware of the devastation
at my doorstep.
And with that realization set in a profound
sense of shame.
'Why them and not me?'
Shame that I could not help,
but that I stood helplessly by
as so many suffered;
shame that I ate to my fill
each meal of the day as so many
longed for just one morsel fallen from my table;
shame that I was born to so much,
expected so much,
when so many were born to little or nothing.
What made me different?
Why me and not them?
Why them and not me?
Alone surrounded by black death
I stood,
clad in white and gold,
sandals of leather,
jewels marking my rank,
surrounded by death.
And, the sudden realization
that I deserved none of what
I had been given,
and that these
deserved none of the black death
to which they succumbed.
Startled by the cry that came from my lips;
feeling the tears streaking my face;
hearing the gentle call of my teacher
to come back;
devastated by the vision
of me/him
and the guilt
for having lived when others
did not.
My teacher wanted to do an energy healing with me.
So, we started.
Immediately, the energy inside me broiled upon her touch,
swirling, spinning, building, faster, faster, faster,
mounting like a lion,
air filling its lungs
as it lifted its head to roar...
Suddenly, I was in a white palace, marble all round,
statues, pillars, steps, beauty..
I was dressed like royalty, and looking down,
I saw that I was a young man.
Alone, stood I,
in the middle of this decadence,
recognizing this place as 'home'.
Great doors stood locked before me,
the doors to the outside,
the world of which I was not a part.
Slowly, the doors swung open,
letting in the dark and a profound sense
of despair.
Like a wave, the despair rolled over me, filled the room
and pushed me closer and closer to the outside.
I stepped over the threshold into the darkness
and saw upon my steps many people,
splayed, lifeless as if destroyed in battle.
Death surrounded me, yet I saw no blood,
only bodies as far as my eyes could see.
Young, old, mothers, fathers, children
lying motionless in the dark.
And then, the anguish set in,
deep, dark, horrible anguish
that brought me to my knees
as if I could feel each and every one
dying in agony and hopelessness.
Even as the horror of death settled upon me
I realized that I, alone, was safe
from the scourge.
Behind colossal locked doors
I could live in wealth,
completely unaware of the devastation
at my doorstep.
And with that realization set in a profound
sense of shame.
'Why them and not me?'
Shame that I could not help,
but that I stood helplessly by
as so many suffered;
shame that I ate to my fill
each meal of the day as so many
longed for just one morsel fallen from my table;
shame that I was born to so much,
expected so much,
when so many were born to little or nothing.
What made me different?
Why me and not them?
Why them and not me?
Alone surrounded by black death
I stood,
clad in white and gold,
sandals of leather,
jewels marking my rank,
surrounded by death.
And, the sudden realization
that I deserved none of what
I had been given,
and that these
deserved none of the black death
to which they succumbed.
Startled by the cry that came from my lips;
feeling the tears streaking my face;
hearing the gentle call of my teacher
to come back;
devastated by the vision
of me/him
and the guilt
for having lived when others
did not.
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