Standing on the Blank White of a New Page

Standing on the blank white of a new page.

When did I turn it?

The last page was so full, so rich.
I was so alive in it, with it, of it.
And suddenly, here I am.

There is a starkness to the openness.
It is frightening.
I want, quickly, to fill it.

But, I hear,
'Wait.
'Wait.
Stay a moment here
on this blank white page.'

Why am I so frightened of the open space?
Why does my mind rush to fill it with tasks, thoughts, plans, ideas...?

So, rather than rush forward,
I will look back, reflect on the journey
that has taken me to this new page.

Four years ago, I set purposefully upon a path.
I entered deeply into the final stage
of preparation for this journey.

My children almost adults,
my education complete,
my finances in order.

Now, the call to the most difficult
step in the preparation...
to seek inside myself.

Cleanse, clear, heal, breathe.

For a month, I meditated in front of my alter,
leaving only to fulfill worldly obligations,
determined to sit with my demons,
give them space to be heard,
learn to love and honor them...

Cleanse, clear, heal, breathe.

So profound, so painful,
they emerged
one by one,
sometimes all at once,
to make their petitions,
to state their claims,
to rant and ravage my heart.

Deeper and deeper I fell
into the corners of my heart and soul
that had succumbed to darkness,
and therein I dwelled
to heal, to find peace,
to learn to love
the darkest parts of myself.

Cleanse, clear, heal, breathe.

This clearing lasted through the entire four years.

In the first year of the cleansing
I was visited with what then felt
as a scourge, a tormentor,
a vicious demon intent on
my descent into madness.

I learned it was Kundalini energy.
It rose in me unbidden and without welcome.
And, it persisted,
refusing to leave the body that it so controlled
or let loose the mind it was devastating.

The energy infused my body for weeks on end
causing havoc, leaving me unable to function
or think.

It could not be ignored,
would not be controlled,
won always my battles to
eradicate it.

Occasionally, in the fight to survive
this beast, I would experience
energy rush up my spine and
shoot out my crown chakra,
creating a sensation of exquisite perfection,
a melding of this reality with the All,
a drive to create, always to create.

The Kundalini energy has stayed with me
all these years,
at times seeming to sleep quietly
as if in waiting,
at others rising
in various forms.

I have learned that it is a teacher.
So now I don't fight it,
but look for that to which it is directing me.

Mostly now, it comes as energy
rushing up my spine and shooting
out my crown chakra,
or lingering in my throat chakra.

I am to write.
When I write, the energy
moves from my throat chakra,
and bursts out my crown chakra.

If I ignore the call to write,
it settles in my root chakra,
turning from muse into tormentor.

So, I write.